"Eh" to Z

So I was really going to take a night off from blogging, but on my way to a "The Hills" watch party tonight, I got a phone call from my friend who set me up with Kirsten.

And it goes a little something like this...(hit it!):

Me: Hey Ben! Tell me you read the blog today.
Ben: Nah, haven't been home yet. Why?
Me: Don't be mad...but I blogged about Kirsten.
Ben: Interesting, because I had lunch with her today. We talked about the date.
Me (pretending not to care): Oh really?
Ben: Yeah...
Me: Well, what'd she say?
Ben: "Eh."
Me: C'mon, tell me!
Ben: No, that's what she said. "Eh."
Me: What the fuck do you mean "Eh"?
Ben: Dude, I asked her "How did the date go? What'd you think of Joe?" and she said "Eh."
I've been called many things but up until then, I've never been Eh'd.

Then again, maybe she just didn't have an advanced enough vocabulary to describe me.


The word of the day is...

Friday night I had a super casual date. And I almost screwed it up before it even started.

Work on Friday was CRAZY busy, as I was still there at 8 PM. Problem was I had a coffee date with a girl at 8 PM. When 7 PM rolled around and I knew I was going to be stuck at work, I called the girl to see if I could extend the start of our date for an hour. Luckily she was totally understanding and actually was glad I pushed it back, as she was running late too.

So I was sorta excited about this girl...the mutual friend really built her up. "Athletic", "smokin' hot" (his exact words...I was hoping he was talking about her looks, not that she burned when she peed), "friendly", etc. I really trust this guy's opinions and I didn't have any reason to think this girl wasn't everything he was saying.

And let the record show -- post-date -- that she fit the billing. She was cute, had some very admirable career aspirations, and was really quite sweet. So why am I writing about her on The Year of Joe? Well, obviously at some point it all went to shit.

So there I sat at Espresso Mio (which is by far the best coffee bar/cafe I've been to since moving to San Diego) with Kirsten. Or was it Kursten? I don't really know how it's spelled, but I kept calling her "Kirsten" (as in Kirsten Dunst) but she always corrected me that it was pronounced "Kursten". Whatever.

Anywho, we're enjoying some java and making small talk. She starts telling me about how used to be a model and hair stylist but quit to go to school and become a youth counselor for at-risk teens. I tried to listen intently, but the moment she said "model", I was trying to figure out what kind of model. Like a supermodel? Or maybe she appeared in a Sears catalog once wearing a pair of $9.99 sweatpants or something. Anyway, I'm on a date with a model, nonetheless!

So I ask her where she grew up and she tells me she was Army brat and moved around a lot and that she had a rough time in her teens that she luckily overcame, and the reason she's back in school was to eventually offer others in similar situations the benefit of her experiences so that they can avoid making the same mistakes. All great, I thought. That is until I chimed in with my two cents.

"Kids these days are really cynical. I can't imagine that it's easy getting through to them."

"What do you mean?" she said.

"You know how teenagers are," I said. "They think they know everything."

"No," she responds. "I meant what does the word 'cynical' mean?"

It was at that point that I heard the sound effect in my head that they play on the 'Price is Right' when you lose at a game. I knew it was over, and that no matter how good looking this woman was, and how admirable her goals, I couldn't take her seriously. In an alternate universe (or if my life was a movie), Bob Barker would have walked out from behind the counter, put his arm around me and say, "Sorry, but thanks for playing. We'll be right back with more 'Price is Right' after this!"

I mean, had I used a word like "ubiquitous" or "sesquipedalian," I could understand her asking for a definition. Hell, I'd had to go to dictionary.com myself to be entirely sure of their meanings. But "cynical"? That's just a word a 26-year old needs to know, especially if she wants to be a motivational speaker of some sort.

Am I wrong?

I've known friends who have dated some damn attractive women in the past that weren't too bright, and I'm not looking to go down that road. Did I cut bait too soon? Perhaps but for now, I'll just have to let Kirsten/Kiersten/Kersten/Kursten go and hope along with Bob Barker that she remembers to spay and neuter her pets because a minimum of an 10th grade vocabulary is a must for me.


New Layout

Whatta think?


iPod is Dead and The Call From Hell

What an awful day yesterday. And I'm not even talking about USC's loss.

I had a new phone number in my BlackBerry, a potential blind date. A friend told me she had this great single friend who she thought that we would really hit it off. She gave me her friend's number and urged me to call. I kinda figured she was just throwing me a bone as she prefaced it all by saying "Joe, you deserve to be happy. Call this girl." like the number came out of Governor Spitzer's little black book. I, of course, was reluctant but I decided the day couldn't go much worse.

I called the girl and, of course, got her voicemail. She sounded cute and I left a message telling her how I got her number and told her to give me a call when she got a chance as I'd like to meet her. Actually, I told her to call me back as late as 11:00 PM. "Why?" you ask? Well, two reasons: because 1) I'm usually sleeping by then and I'd rather not be lacking my "A" game should she call and 2) I'd hate for 10:00 PM to roll around and the girl think it's too late, so I figure the superficial 11 o'clock "deadline" serves a purpose.

So with a renewed spirit, I thought I should still go to the gym even though I'm drained from therapy. (In the way only I could convey, I told Dr. G that "I had filed for emotional bankruptcy"...has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?) I got to the Y and I jumped on the bike with the iTune on 'shuffle'. Let me tell you...there was nothing random about the fateful shuffle that iGod choose to pump into my ears.

About twenty minutes into my workout, "I'm A Loser" by The Beatles comes on. I actually chucked out loud in the irony but keep going because it's a good song and, hello, it's The Beatles! 'Nuf said! The song ends -- by the way, what ever happened to the great two-, two-and-a-half minute rock song? -- and next on the Nano is Bow Wow's "Outta My System"...decent jam, even better beat...okay, I won't concentrate on the lyrics and continue cycling. Then starts Sade's "By Your Side." Man, what a great song -- Kory, one of your faves, no? -- but really, not exactly what I had in mind right now. I hit the >>| button on the iPod and the next song couldn't have started any quicker or louder. I felt like I was just named champion of "Name That Tune" then scissor-kicked to the groin. It takes a couple milliseconds before I realize it's Chicago and "If You Leave Me Now". Now this is one of my parent's favorite songs and I always thought of it as a romantic, albeit sappy song but it just took on a whole new meaning while I'm dripping in sweat on the LifeCycle. Next!

"You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips..." Yeah, that's right. The fucking Righteous Brothers. Now I've stopped pedaling and I literally look around the gym expecting to see a camera crew laughing their asses off at me and Ashton Kutcher to get off the StairMaster behind me and tell me I've been Punk'd. This is cruel AND unusual. Stop with all the slow emotional crap! Okay, shake yourself Joe! Next song! Some hip-hop or techno is bound to be in rotation soon, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?


I hear the background drums and guiter riff of No Doubt's "Simple Kind of Life". I know the lyrics (if you don't, they are here) and I didn't need to make it to the chorus to know I had to get the hell out of there.

I didn't even dare turn on the radio when I got into my car for fear the first thing on would have been something that forced me to drive the Honda into a light pole.

Okay...deep breath. So that gym session didn't go as planned. It's okay, cuz now I'm just exhausted. I'm gonna go home, take (another) shower, make some green tea and call it a night.

Of course, I wait until after 11:00 to take my shower...and 11:00 came and went without hearing from that girl so I assumed she'd maybe call the next day, or not at all. At around 11:15, I got out of the shower and saw that she left me a voicemail at 11:12 that ends with her saying "Give me a call when you get a chance."

Hmm, 11:12...clearly, she's not one for following instructions, but I figured what the hell, she friggin' called me! I was feeling so fresh and so clean so why not give her a quick call back?

Here's what basically transpired when I called:

Her (softly): Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Joe, Shae's friend. Sorry...did I wake you?
Her (annoyed): Sorta.
Me: Umm, oh, umm, well go back to sleep then. Sorry about that! Well, is it cool if I give you a call tomorrow?
Her: Why would you call me so late?
Me (caught of guard): You mean like now?
Her: Yeah.
Me: Umm, you called me like 10 minutes ago. I assumed you'd still be up.
Her (even more annoyed): Well, I wasn't.
Me: It was literally like 6 minutes ago.
Her: I don't know about you, but I have to be at work tomorrow morning.
Me: Okay, well, again, sorry. We'll talk another time, I guess?
She then lets out a loud, fake yawn to further her point that I woke her up. Again, I look around my room to see if Ashton is hiding in my kitchen...
Her (like she's doing me a favor): Well, I'm up already...what's up?
Me (trying to be funny): What's up? Clearly not you! Hey, get back to sleep...I've got an early day tomorrow as well.
Her: It's just I don't get why you thought it was okay to call me so late.
Me: You said, "Give me a call when you get a chance"...10 minutes ago!
Her: You didn't want me calling you after 11 so why would you call me after 11?
Me: But you DID call me after 11. In fact, it was like 8 minutes ago, remember?
Her: I figured I'd just leave you a voicemail, which I did.
Me: You could have woken ME up. Would that have been okay?
Her: I never would have woken you up. I'm not like that.
Me: How could you have known you wouldn't wake me up?
Her: 'Cuz I'm nice and don't do things like that.
Okay, fuck it...it's not Ashton I'm looking for now. I'm almost seriously expecting my world to turn into black and white and in the corner of my apartment see Rod Sterling smoking a cigarette and about to start his opening monologue for 'The Twilight Zone'.
Me (in my head): Oh my fucking God! Why have I not hung up already? I'm so gonna kill Shae.
Me (what I actually said): Wow...I've gotten off on the wrong foot here. I really apologize. You get to bed, and I'll call you at a more appropriate time.
Her (still annoyed): Fine. Good night.

So that didn't go as planned...

I should have called her again when I got up at 2:15 in the morning to take a piss, just to let her know I was thinking of her, but somehow I doubt I would have gotten an "Awww, that's so sweet!" from her. Instead, I'll wait for that "more appropriate time" to call her again, which is likely to be never.

So how was YOUR Thursday?


Strange Bruin

As if anyone cares, here's my '08 NCAA picks:

Final Four: North Carolina, Georgetown, UCLA, Stanford
Champion: UCLA over Georgetown

Notes: Butler over Tennessee to get into Sweet 16, USC in Sweet 16, Miami (FL) beats Texas for Sweet 16 berth, Drake bumps UConn for Sweet 16 appearance, Purdue beats Arizona (upset Duke round prior) and get into Elite 8, Georgia (14) over Xavier (3) in first round.

I know, I know...I took UCLA to win it all. It kills me. The only redeeming factor will be if I win the pool I'm in ($60 buy-in and as of 6:00 AM this morning, 239 signed up....you do the math!) (I also feel better that fellow UCLA-hater John has UCLA in the Championship Game.)

Quick non-expert commentary: Man, USC got jobbed. The six-seed they got was fair, in my opinion, but I think the NCAA Committee made an unfair decision to have USC (READ: "O.J. Mayo") face Kansas State (READ: "Michael Beasley".) Sure, the experts love the match-up and it'll be a great game to watch, but I think they got a bad beat to have to face a team that has possibly the Player of the Year and a team that was a top-20 team before the year started. Oh, and call me crazy, but I think this is the order of the top five best players on the court for that game: 1) OJ Mayo, 2) Bill Walker, 3) Michael Beasley, 4) Davon Jefferson, 5) Taj Gibson. Yeah, I said it...Bill Walker is better than Michael Beasley.

Okay, he's not better than Beasley...it's not even close. I'm trying to stir-up the pot!


Mighty Morphin'

Ever since high school, my mom has always told me that I look like James Spader.

Whatta think?

Kinda freaky, I know...a few more months at the gym, a new haircut and who knows? Maybe I'll be starring in an indie film or courtroom dramedy near you soon!


East Coasting

So my East Coast trip is all planned and I couldn't be more excited!

Here's the somewhat-detailed itinerary:

May 3rd
Leave Long Beach Airport on Saturday morning en route to Boston, Mass. Visit baseball blogger Sully and his wife, who in an another amazing case of "Good Lord, it's a small world!", I went to middle school with 2600 miles away. Insane!

May 4th
Spend Sunday morning having breakfast with Red Sox brass (including GM Theo Epstein), then take in the day game between Boston and Tampa Bay.

May 5th
A travel day. Will be spent driving from Boston to Mecca Cooperstown in upstate New York. Spend the rest of the evening at the Baseball Hall of Fame.

May 6th
Spend the ENTIRE day at Cooperstown!

May 7th
Wednesday will be another travel day, going from upstate New York to New York City itself. Catch the Yankee -Indians game that night and hopefully meet up with baseball bloggers Alex Belth and/or Darren Viola (aka Repoz).

May 8th
Off day. Explore the city and see a friend in Manhattan.

May 9th
Another ballgame, this time in Flushing to see the Mets take on the Cincinnati Reds. After the game, jump back on the highway and head south to the City of Brotherly Love.

May 10th
Spend the day in Philadelphia with Dave O'Brien , Auxiliary Associate Professor at Drexel University. Maybe get some golf in?

May 11th
Fly back home just in time to make a Mother's Day dinner with the family.

For all you keeping track, here's what the 9 days surrounding the trip look like:

San Diego -> Long Beach -> Boston -> Cooperstown -> New York City -> Philadelphia -> Long Beach -> San Diego

Phew! What a trip! I'm exhausted just planning it out!


Embedded Media Monday!

It's Monday, the 17th...that can only mean one thing:

The Hills is back in one week!

Oh hell yeah.

(And yes, I'm a 29-year old male. The Hills is my little guilty TV pleasure, so sue me!)

* * * * *

When the Oscars rolled around, I felt horribly inadequate, as I had seen almost zero of all the major talked-about films. Over the weekend, I headed over Best Buy and picked up "American Gangster" and "No Country For Old Men" and watched one each night.

"American Gangster" -- Good, not great, but it left me with no doubt about this: Denzel is one of the best actors ever and you know what? He knows it.

"No Country For Old Men" -- Loved it! Anton Chigurh is one bad-ass character. Is the movie a western? Noir? Horror? I dunno, but that's why the Coen Bros. rule.

* * * * *

Chocolate-flavored Skittles? I can't speak from experience, but that just has to be the worst idea ever.

Oh, wait. Chocolate-flavored Skittles and a human piƱata...now that's the worst idea ever.

* * * * *

So this was the scene this morning at 5:00 AM when I went to my car.

That's hail, ladies and gentlemen. I did NOT move to San Diego for this!

* * * * *

Finally, if you haven't seen this viral video that took place over the weekend, I feel like it's my duty to let you in:

Thank God for slo-mo!


Babe Brackets

Okay, a few weeks ago in a posted called "March Madness," I promised to unveil a bracket-style tournament, much like the brackets most of you will be filling out in your offices come tomorrow. Well, this happened which postponed the event, but what's a better day to start this The Year of Joe event than Selection Sunday?

I'd like to introduce the Babe Brackets, a 33-women field of some of my favorite hotties, paired up against each other to determine the 2008 The Year of Joe Babe of the Year (or as you'll see in the media as "T.Y.O.J.B.O.T.Y.")

Instead of conferences, I've broken the field into categories that best group the girls. Just like the NCAAs aren't the best 65 teams in the country, these aren't my top 33 fantasy women. Tthere are some chicas left out of a certain category to make room for girls in another category. But hey, it's my blog and my favorite women, so I make the damn rules here!

Today I'm unveiling the field and next week we'll start the match-ups. Ultimately I will weigh the pros and cons of each woman to determine who moves on, but your comments and votes can (and will) sway me, so I hope you can all contribute in the comments section!

And awaaaaay we go!

The first "conference" is The Hotties, the only grouping with more than four women and clearly the deepest of all the groupings. Number #1 overall seed Gisele Bundchen leads the pack and is the obvious tournament favorite. Charlize Theron (#5 overall) has been ranked as high as #1 during her career. Rookie Megan Fox (#12) is young, brunette and hot -- my holy trinity -- and could make a deep run. Jamie Pressly (#13) is one of the rare blondes in the field and Kelly Rowland (#24) could string a few wins together.

The TV Stars are lead by femme fatales who cut their their on the silver screen. 7th Heaven's Jessica Biel (#4) and Lost's Evangeline Lilly (#8) are strong contenders. Emmanuelle Chriqui (#15) of Entourage has a very strong strength of schedule and The Office's Jenna Fischer (#25) is the sleeper pick of the tournament.

Reality TV Babes is a mix-match of contenders, but top-to-bottom, not very strong. The best is Adrianne Curry (#9) of America's Top Model/The Surreal Life/My Fair Brady. Survivor's Elizabeth Hasselbeck is dangerously cute and could surprise some people, as could sexpot Edyta Sliwinska (#26) of Dancing With The Stars. Jillian Lewis (#33) of last season's Project Runway will have to win a play-in game just to make the field.

The M.I.L.F.s are a veteran bunch and each woman, although over 40 years old, still has plenty game. #2 overall seed Elizabeth Hurley (42-years old) is a legit contender. The tournament committee shocked everyone by putting 38-year old Catherine Zeta-Jones (#10) into The M.I.L.F. group. Maura Tierney (#20, 43-years old) is a darkhorse and Sela Ward (#30, 51-years old!!) could have upset on her mind.

The Naughty Nerds is the most eclectic group and many you've never heard of but Kari Byron (#18), Morgan Webb (#21), Jade Raymond (#29) and Cali Lewis (#31) will try to make sure they are not forgotten at tourney's end.

What The Comedienne's lack in hottiness, they make up in sass and sharp wit. Sarah Silverman will no doubt be a controversal #3 overall selection, but she's got the game to back it up. Rounding up the bunch is super-sleeper Natasha Leggero (#16), mid-major Maya Rudolph (#22) and Lynne Koplitz (#32).

The Sexy Sportscasters have both looks and knowledge of sports, a deadly combination come tournament time. Erin Andrews is being tabbed by many to be a possible tournament champion, but she's also backed by Lindsay Soto (#17), Rachel Nichols (#27) and Colleen Dominguez (#28).

The final grouping to comprise the field are The Athletes, women who are sexy and pro athletes...what's there not to like? Maria Sharapova (#7) represents tennis and Rachel Wacholder (#23) is the lone volleyballer. Two golfers (Anna Rawson, #11, and Paula Creamer, #19) round out the field.

Check back next week to follow along the 2008 The Year of Joe Babe of the Year!


No Love Lost

Thanks to everyone who followed my wacky and amusing correspondence with "Lindsay," my latest eHarmony match. For the record, I knew something was up from that first email, but I couldn't help and try and turn this into a scam-baiting of epic proportions.

All of you who first learned of The Year of Joe during this past week, please continue to read my blog and leave comments...I love hearing what you all have to say! It's why I keep this damn thing going!

I'd like to close out this ordeal with one more email, one I received last Wednesday:

Dear eHarmony Friend,

As a past or present user of eHarmony.com, we want to inform you that one of your matches, lindsay from LOS ANGELES, has been removed from the eHarmony.com service. Consistent with eHarmony.com’s privacy policy, we do not disclose the reasons for lindsay's removal. eHarmony.com disclaims any responsibility or liability with respect to any continued involvement between you and any member whose account is closed by eHarmony.com.


Customer Care


Was It Something I Said?

So no response from Lindsay and to be quite honest, I'm worried and have so many unanswered questions...Did the hotel let her go? Did she make her flight home? Who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

All I can do at this point to email her again:

Honey Bunny,

It's been almost a day and I haven't heard from you. I'm worried. Please contact me as soon as you can. I need those instructions again to send you what you want.


Phew! Only a few hours later, she finally responds:


I missed my plane and stuck at hotel. Please wire money to hotel.

Waiting to hear from you,

your Queen

I think she misunderstood my email. I never said anything about money:


I didn't mean money when I said I was going to send you something. I want to send you my picture. You've sent me three pictures of you, but you haven't seen me except for my eHarmony profile:

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I don't have a scanner (or digital camera, for that matter!) so this is the best I could come up with.

From my heart to yours,


The rest of the day went by and as of now, I've yet to hear from Lindsay. My heart aches. This should set me back a few months in therapy. I'll reach out and try to contact Lindsay one last time:

My dear,

Are we breaking up?



Sugar Daddy To The Rescue!

It's only a few hours until Lindsay's flight out of Nigeria and it's not looking good:

Honey I cant get the money from account ... I want you to go to a store to wire the money via Western Union Okay ...

Waiting to read from you

Geez! I was only trying to help!


Bummer! Don't worry, I have a great news!

Also waiting to read from you,


The sound of good news must have really excited her as she wrote me back within the hour:

What is your good news? Can the money you send me here? I need your help and can't wait to spend the rest of our lifes together.

Your queen

This good news is gonna make her day!

My Missing Rib,

No, I don't have the money for you yet, but I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!


PS I need your driver's license number, as I've included you on my car insurance policy.


Nigeria, We Have A Problem

Damn, still no response from Lindsay. I hope everything's okay. Two emails in a row from me and nothing yet. It's not like her!

Oops, I spoke to soon. Before lunch, I get an email from my queen called "URGENT":

Honey i just want to let you know i am having alittle problem with the Hotel Management i am here .I am oweing the Hotel some Bills .my Passport and my other Vital document have been seized by the Hotel manager so i cant leave here without paying for the owe bills.Honey all i have here with me is my Voucher , which i have tried to exchange for cash down here , but couldnt get it exchange due to the banking system down here...

Sweetie I will be glad if you can be of help to assist me with the Hotel Bill, i promise to refund you upon my arrival .

I will be glad to read your positive respond.

Your Angel of Mercy,

Biggie was right...mo' money, mo' problems. Ain't nuthin' gonna get between me and my angel of mercy:


Are you serious? Why did they seize your passport? Can they do that?

Like I told you in my last email, I have several vacation days saved up...I can meet you in Nigeria and we could fly back together. That way I can help you and you and I spend the flight home getting to know each other more. You ever heard of the Mile High Club?

Your knight,


...which lead to this email, received only 20 minutes later...

Honey thanks for your love and concern , I am very sorry for bothering you with my personal problem and I really need your trust and understanding .

The hotel have my passport seized because of the bills I am oweing them, the name of the hotel is Maris Hotel & Suite , Phone number +2348029246977 Room number 121. All I am oweing the hotel is $650 . the easiest way you can get this accros to me is via Western Union . I will appreciate anything you can spare me.

Let me know the information you will need to get the money sent.
I Miss You,
Your Princess.

Hey, I've got an idea!


$650? That's it? No problem! Well, one problem...the whole Western Union thing is going to take some time. I'm stuck at work all day then I need to spend some time working on my fantasy baseball spreadsheets...my draft is this weekend. Wanna go?

Anyway, I'm at my computer a lot at work so I have a great idea...send me your bank account number and PIN and I'll transfer the money from my bank to yours! In case they ask for it, you might as well give me your social security card number too.

I'll be waiting for this information. As soon as I get it, I'll wire the money and you'll be home free!


PS Of course, I'll be charging you 3% interest for the money while you pay me back. Don't worry, once we're married, it'll be "our" money anyway!

So here I sit, just waiting for that bank info...


Out of Africa?

Well, sleep on it I did.

I woke up to the sound of Three 6 Mafia blasting from my phone (hey, don't judge me...it's just an alarm ringtone!) at 4:15 AM so I can get ready for the gym before work. I hit the snooze for five more minutes and tossed the BlackBerry across the room (which is a great practice, as it forces me to get up the next time the alarm goes off.) However, out the corner of my eye, I see my phone blinking red, meaning one of three things: 1) I have an email, 2) I have a text message, or 3) somehow my BlackBerry has been possessed by K.I.T.T. from 'Knight Rider'.

So instead of going back to sleep and the dream I was having of me, Betty White and a kiddie pool full of tapioca, I make my way across the room (about 5 feet) and check my phone. Sure enough, sometime in the middle of the night, I received an email. 2:18 AM to be exact. And who do you think it was from?

You guessed it!

And how stoked do you think I got when I saw the email subject said "My Flight Information"?!

Honey here below is my Flight Information...

Lagos (Nigeria) to Los Angeles (USA)
Departing 11 March 2008.
Connecting Flights

Flight: AF 855
Airline: Air France
Depart: Lagos
Terminal: International
Departure Time: 23:40, Tuesday 11 March 2008
Arrive: Paris Charles de Gaulle Apt
Terminal: Aerogare 2 Term F
Arrival Time: 06:00, Wednesday 12 March 2008
Stops: Non-Stop
Travel Time: 6hrs 20mins
Aircraft: 332 (Airbus Industrie A330-200)
Classes offered: Business Economy
---- Connecting to ----
Flight: DL 8510
Airline: Delta Air Lines
Operated by: Air France
Depart: Paris Charles de Gaulle Apt
Terminal: Aerogare 2 Term E
Departure Time: 10:15, Wednesday 12 March 2008
Arrive: Los Angeles International Apt
Terminal: Terminal 2
Arrival Time: 13:50, Wednesday 12 March 2008
Stops: Non-Stop
Travel Time: 11hrs 35mins
Aircraft: 77W (Boeing 777-300ER Passenger)
Classes offered: Business Economy

Total Travel Time 22hrs 10mins

Let me know what your plans are like , I will be very excited to see you coming to pick me up.

Your Queen.

Hmmm, Wednesday at 2 o'clock? This isn't going to be easy. I've got a regional awards dinner that night (we won "Maintenance Team of the Year" and "Sales Team of the Year") until about 8 PM, which puts me at LAX 10 PM at the earliest. This is gonna be tough but hey, I'm crazy 'bout this girl!

Linds (can I call you Linds?),

Looks like you'll touchdown at LAX around 2 on Wednesday...I want to meet you soooo bad and I so want to be there for you when your plane arrives, but I work until 4 or so on Wednesday then I have a work event that evening. Being in San Diego, I wouldn't make it to LAX until probably 10:00 PM at the earliest...

Got any ideas?

Your boo,


Later that day, I can't help but wonder how Lindsay is going to get home from the airport. She hasn't written me back yet but I know how busy she probably is selling sculptures, beads, gold, etc. so I'll try her again.

Candy Cain,

Where you at girl? I can't wait to see you but you haven't responded back to my email. Maybe it's the time difference, I dunno.

Anyway, I have a few ideas, let me know what works best for you:

1) I can pick you up around 10:30 or so. I know you fly in earlier, but my idea is between you arriving in LA and me showing up, you can check out the buffet at the Century Theater, the titty bar just down the street from LAX. (You can't miss the "Nudes! Nudes! Nudes!" neon sign out in front.) I've heard their chicken parm is the best strip club chicken parm in the city!

2) You could change your flight to San Diego. Check out Air Senegal Flight 733...I think that's your best bet. If you take that one, I'll pick you up and heck, you could even stay with me!

3) Now this sounds crazy, but I have some vacation days saved up. How about I fly to Nigeria to see you! Then we could fly back together! What other way to spend 22 hours in the air then get to know your future mate?

Which option makes the most sense. I miss your scent.

Big Joe

P.S. Be careful over there! I've heard Nigeria is full of scam artists. Don't give money to anyone you don't know!

Which door would you choose?


I'm A Soldier

No, make that "I'm a fuckin' soldier!"

But more on that later...

So it's Day 5 of my new relationship. If you don't know what I'm talking about, where the heck have you been?

I was planning on writing Lindsay back right away but I was just exhausted. So first thing yesterday when I got to work ( my 7th day in a row and what would end up being 72 total hours, for all of you counting) was I opened up the ol' email server and decided to really just let my heart open up and and tell Lindsay how I felt:


I am so honored by your honesty with me. It's because of this sense of security I get when I communicate with you that I am continuing this great relationship. That and you are pretty flippin' hot. Any more pictures?

I feel the same way that you do about me...if you are the Queen, I want to be your servant. I want to give you everything, my mind, my body, my soul. I want to share eternity with you, and only you. If you have any sexy friends, I wouldn't mind sharing myself with them too. Like I've told you before, I'm a giver!

I hope your flight home is safe. Before you leave, can you bring me back one of those cool shrunken voodoo heads? Oh, and if you have time, there's a little girl I'm sponsoring in
Africa. Her name is LaFawnduh. Tell her the check is in the mail. And if you see Sally Struthers or Angelina Jolie while you are over there, get their autographs for me! But enough about me...I know you are busy, so I eagerly await your return.

Please keep emailing me when you have the time. My whole day centers around your updates. Even though we haven't met, I miss you.

Your love muffin,


So with my heart all a'flutter, I returned my focus back to work. About an hour later, I realized I had left my email open, so I went to close it but low and behold, a reply from Pumpkin titled "My Goods"! And with three attachments to boot! You can only imagine the thoughts that went through my head!

I have attached some of the goods I just purchased today...

That's it? What a letdown. And what is that junk? Ancient African bongs and a pimp cup? Not sure if there's much to say back to Lindsay about this. Maybe she'll write me back when she returns to the States, whenever that will be.

(flash forward to 9:00 last night)

New email time! What's better then coming back from the gym to have an email called "My Soldier of Mercy!" blinking in my in-box? And with another attachment! (If it's another picture of something that looks like it was stolen from the prop closet of the Jungle Cruise, I'm gonna be pissed.)

Sweetheart your letter keeps chilling me up with hopes and thoughts of a future plans .At this very moment I am sitting here dreaming and fantasizing about how nice it would be for you to be near, where I could do what I enjoy most and that is being able to romance the special one I have in my life...

Your heart is the biggest part of all that attracted me to you, from the first day I saw your profile and getting to know you more I have a true feelings for you which I hope to develop to a great and higher place where we can settle down as one with a happy home blessed with beautiful kids.

In me you will find a most romantic woman you have ever met. There are very few promises in life but this is one of them!. ROMANCE is the key to my happiness and to my heart and soul!. It is the single biggest reason I am single today is because I have yet to find a man who will romance me with the passion of there heart and be a giver of there love, and not just a taker. I am a woman who is very committed to the special man I am sharing my heart and soul with. I totally dedicate and devote my life totally to this person 24/7, for he is my King and it is my belief that as long as he is my King, God would want me to treat him as such, by putting him on a pedestal that is reserved only for a King and showing him with an endless amount of affection, attention, passion, and unconditional love. It is my duty as a follower of the word of God to be his provider, providing for his emotional, mental, and sexual needs. It is my responsibility as his Queen to take any problems and stress that he has in his life and put it on my shoulders to free him of it, for I am a woman and his Queen!. My shoulders are bigger so it is my obligation to carry the burdens he has in life on them, allowing him to have a healthy mind, body, and heart and soul at all times. I love and cherish this role sweetheart, and it is because I love it so much, that I feel God has a role for everyone in life, and his chosen role for me is to be a excellent wife, mother, and family woman, because of the way I live my life, and because of my passion to be a great lover and family woman, in addition to the passion I have for children. I believe children play a big part in my life.

Sweetheart I am through with my business here and I will be flying back to Los Angeles on wednesday, I will send you my flight schedule... Dear I believe by the time we see face to face, your doubt will fly out of the window and I want you to know you are really going to be in for a big surprise as you get to know and understand me as my words mean nothing compared to my action.
Your Angel Of Mercy.

Oh, about that attachement:

The commentary y'all been waiting for:

1) Holy crap, this broad is crazy. But then again, look at that rack of hers!

2) "Your heart is the biggest part of all that attracted me to you, from the first day I saw your profile..." Phew, that's a relief. I was worried my eHarmony profile didn't show enough of my heart. Glad she read a few arbitrary questions off a dating website and somehow looked deep into my soul and came to the conclusion I have a big heart.

3) "...we can settle down as one with a happy home blessed with beautiful kids." Is now the right time to tell her my parole officer warned me not to be around minors?

4) I won't touch the third paragraph except for this tidbit: "It is my duty as a follower of the word of God to be his provider, providing for his emotional, mental, and sexual needs." Um, what Bible is she reading?

5) So Wednesday it is! Maybe I can pick her up from the airport...

6) Did I already say "Look at that rack of hers!"?

I'm gonna have to sleep on this one. Until then, I'll have happy dreams of Lindsay, in a beautiful Vera Wang lace straight-jacket, walking down the aisle on our up-coming wedding day.


Move over John, there's a new King in town

So it's another day, which can only mean another possible email exchange (or two) from my future-bride-to-be, Lindsay Cain.

I guess it was my turn to write her back after yesterday's email from her.


I was so happy to get your email. It was a fantastic surprise to get it in my inbox when I got home from work!

So Africa, huh? Do you travel a lot for work? I've been to Boston, Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana, Washington, Houston, Kingston, Texarkana, Monterey, Ferriday, Santa Fe, Tallapoosa, Glen Rock, Black Rock, Little Rock, Oskaloosa, Tennessee, Tinnesay, Chicopee, Spirit Lake, Grand Lake, Devil's Lake, Crater Lake...I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere. It was the summer of '98 and I was following Metallica on their 'Speed of Sound' tour. Oh the stories I could tell you! Anywho, I love to travel, but I've never been outside the United States. Do you enjoy traveling? When do you think you'll be back from Nigeria because I can't wait to meet you!

Tell me more about your job...what do you do with the gold and paintings? Are you into the mining of precious metals, like gold digging?

I have to be honest with you...as happy as your emails make me, I was very sad to read about your family. I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. At least they weren't shot to death in front of you, like Batman's parents.

Thank you for also feeling open to tell me about your relationship history. I've been abstaining from sex the better part of this decade! It's not like I haven't been trying...it's just prostitutes here are pretty expensive. Wait, does oral count?

I love to learn that you can cook....because I love to eat! I think a women's place is in the kitchen and I'm glad you feel the same.

I can't wait to hear from you soon when you return from Africa. I can't wait to hear more about your trip...take a lot of pictures!

God bless...I wait with held breath for your next email!


Sure as shit, a few hours later, I have an email in my in-box from her! It's titled "To My Future King" and I see a little paperclip icon, which can only mean there are attachments to her letter.

I've always been one to read the card before opening up the present, but in this case, I'm gonna check out the attachements first. Looks like there are three of them: "thinkingofyou.jpg", "imgladihaveyou.jpg" and the rather binary-sounding "0110001.jpg".

Drumroll please...

Awww...how sweet! My mom usually sends me these kind of things. Wasn't it Freud and his theory of the "Oedipus complex" that said boys are attracted to their mothers and end up marrying women who remind them of their mothers?

What's this "friends" bullshit all about? I thought I was her future king!

Finally, the last attachment. My guess is that it is a drawing of a teddy bear with his hand in a jar and it says "You're my honey."

Hell-o! Honey pot indeed! This girl wants to be with me? (In Borat voice) "Very nice!"

Oh, wait, I forgot there was an email to read!

I just want you to know that I am very much appreciated receiving your letter every moment i check my mail. You are a very special person who I SERIOUSLY want to explore the possibility of building a long term friendship with, that will in time turn into a marriage and family. That is my dream, and I hope to make it come true with you!. In my heart I feel you have all the qualities it takes to make me very happy...

My favourite music is R&B , country music, Meals are Sea Food Lobster, chips & chicken and sushi and I like to dance, I speak spanish and alittle french , I have also got a british accent from my late Mom, because we are very close , she grew up in the Ireland, Oh i miss her so much today.

I do travel outside of the States to buy Art Sculptures, craft, beads etc and get it ship into the States for sales at a very profitable price, I have customers who are ready to pay me in cash as soon as it is delievered at the port of destination. this have make me travel a lot , I do travel once in 4-5months, I have been to Spain , Finland , Italy , Ireland , France , China , England , Australia and my first time in Africa, here is full of adventury, I have been here for almost 11days now. I will be back to Los Angeles early next week.

Honey in me you are going to find a woman that was blessed with an over abundance of passion to give to the ones I share my heart and soul with. For you to really know me you will have to experience me, as the love that makes up my heart is like a waterfall, where the water never stops flowing down. In this case my heart is the waterfall, and the love and passion that flows endlessly is representing the water. I am a very unique person for many reasons, but one of those is the fact that I can never get enough of romancing that special someone.

Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to build this special friendship with you!. You will be rewarded for it through the passionate love that makes up my heart and soul!. I am so excited to be able to do what I do best and that is romance you with all the passion that makes up my heart and soul!. My special friendship with you is something I want to make permanent and eventually build into a family to call our very own!

Directly from my heart to yours!

Your Future Queen! (I hope!)

PS... I have stoped checking on my profile on eharmony since I have found you and I have no reason for still searching, I hope you will appreciate this by doing the same.

Some casual observations:

1) Gee wiz, how she went from college grad to apparently English being her fourth language, I don't know! It's almost like she's not really American...

2) I really wasn't putting too much weight into her words until she wrote "SERIOUSLY" in all caps, so I guess you can count me in.

3) "Favourite"? See #1

4) "Sea Food Lobster"? Little redundant, don'tcha think?

5) She speaks "spanish and alittle french". Probably as well as she writes English.

6) She got an English accent from her Mom, who's from Ireland? Probably the funniest thing I've ever read in my life.

7) That whole part about the overflowing waterfall? Gotta admit, I fell for that one. I'm puddy in her hands at this point.

8) About her PS, how dare she ask me to stop on eHarmony. Just because this is the first potentially positive match out of what, a trillion?, doesn't mean I'm about to put all my proverbial eggs in one basket.

Stay tuned, faithful readers...more to come.


The Next Email

So when I initially got Lindsay's first email, I told someone that this was too good to be true...that it's one of three things: 1) eHarmony is stringing me along with this great match so I pay up for another month, 2) Lindsay is locked up in an asylum and I'm her only form of entertainment or 3) Lindsay's gonna tell me she needs $10,000 to get her brother out of Nigeria. You know, the ol' Spanish Prisoner con*.

*This isn't my first foray into publically exposing my correspondence with a scam. Back in 2002, on my old SoapboxPolitics blog, I exchanged a few emails with a lovely lady named Sylvia who had such a sad story. I was very disappointed that I couldn't help her out. For good laughs, check out those emails by starting here, then read this, this, this, this and finally this.

But hey, who am I to say who's crazy or desperate? This is me, we're talking about. So let's continue on with my on-growing relationship (albeit via email) with Lindsay:


Wow! You not only a great writer, but your words are so amazing and beautiful.

You wrote "I am looking for a man that will be able to listen to me, communicate his feelings to me, make me laugh, hold and comfort me in need, stand by my side, respect me, passionate lover in every way, support me in everyway, love me and only me, make me smile, protect me when needed, romantic time to time, constantly reactive, and treat me right". I'm really close on this one. Really, really close.

I can't wait to talk to you soon. Your emails amaze me! Just a question: do you use spell check?

Have a fantastic day,

...to which Lindsay -- two hours later -- wrote me back an email with the subject line: "God took 1 rib from Adam and made Eve. I'm your missing rib to be whole!!!" (I'm serious...you can't make this kind of stuff up!)


I feel real good checking my mail to read from you again, you are the reason to my happiness now, I am happy you are interested in learning more about me , I have been single for years, because am yet to find that special one to share my life with , I am presently in Africa(Nigeria ),is not just a visit ,am here on business trip, am here to buy gold, sculptures and some paintings , it is cheaper down here compared to other part for the world, I inherit this business from my late parents , it has been an interesting business. About my family it’s a long story to tell and touching that make me share tears whenever i remembered the past. I will keep this short, I came out from a good combination of two, my Dad is from Bahamas while Mom is a native of America. I am the one and only child of my parent, I will count it ,I have a big Family because I don’t know much about my Dads family in the Bahamas while my moms part is very small...Unfortunately I lost my parent same day, same time, same moment by a car accident, this happened about 8years ago, since then I have started to live my life by myself and not depending on my family, although I still miss my Mom because of the courage and advises she use to give to me about life , but I am glad I am whom I am today.

About my past relationship, I have been into 3 relationships and those are also my only sexual partners I have ever had. 2 of my relationships ended because of my partners betrayal and infidelity (cheating) and the other 1 ended because the love was not there to grow. I know this sounds strange to you but as I wrote above I have not been sexually active now for 2 years, ever since then I live my life through the word of God and through my spirituality, and I refuse to have sex with someone if I am not in a relationship with them and my last relationship ended over 2 years ago. My reasoning which I understand is very strange in today's world, but my belief is my heart and soul, and the passion that is in it is very unique and special, so I made the decision and made a promise to God that I would not be sexually active for the sake of just wanting sex, or to have sex for someone else’s own self gratification. Knowing the passion that is contained in my heart and soul is very unique, I made the decision to abstain from sex because I want this special gift to be shared with the person I am dedicating the rest of my life to, as his Wife and the mother of his children.

I can cook pretty good ... I love red wine, French table wine and garlic bread. I've been working out more regularly than I had been, and eat healthy food...I don't do drugs, and I like who I am.. Although I think a terrific man would bring out the best in me...I'm a believer in God who pray every blessed day , am a good catholic , i do go to church weekly, and try to do the right things every day...I don't worry about what people think of me...I know how to treat a man well still yet I was betrayed by my own best friend dating my Ex Boyfriend...my goals and dreams are to live a good life, happy home blessed with beautiful kids with someone that believes in unconditional love...

Thanks again for writing me. You take the time to give your messages a personal touch and I really appreciate the effort. I can only hope that I don't end up being a disappointment to you. I can hardly wait for your next message. You've really made my day. As I'm ending this email I'm mentally giving you a hug. Have a great day and Take care sweetie.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11 (NIV)

The run-down:

1) How about the name of that email? If she's my missing rib, than I'm her big toe.

2) Nigeria...what did I fucking tell ya!

3) Her parents died in a car accident? Man, I'm a sucker for happy endings...hope this turns out okay.

4) Is it just me or has Lindsay's grammar gotten really shitty? Doesn't say much about the English program at the University of South Carolina, now does it?

5) "I know this sounds strange to you but as I wrote above I have not been sexually active now for 2 years" Sounds strange? How about "sounds awesome!" I'm freakin' jealous! She obviously doesn't know who she's dealing with! I think Saturday Night Live has had four different George Bush impersonators since I last got action! Wait, was Bush even President when I last got some booty? Shit...

6) "I can cook pretty good ... I love red wine, French table wine and garlic bread." Okay, that's great and all but...what about cooking? Sounds like you drink and defrost pretty good to me. What can you cook (besides "scrape"?)

7) "I was betrayed by my own best friend dating my Ex Boyfriend" Obviously her and her friend don't follow "Bros before Hos". And it's was only dating...not sure if you can technically call that "betrayal". Watch a few hours of a 'Beverly Hills 90210' marathon on the Soap Channel...now that there is betrayal!

8) "I can only hope that I don't end up being a disappointment to you." Hmm, something tells me you will.

9) "As I'm ending this email I'm mentally giving you a hug" which we all know leads to eye-fucking the shit out of someone.

10) I kinda dug the scripture at the end, I'm not gonna lie.

So whatta think? Promising, yeah? Maybe eHarmony's marriage calculator had it all wrong! Who knows? Maybe this time next year, I'll be sipping French table wine with Lindsay, my beautiful bride!


And the courting begins...

As detailed yesterday, I received a FastTrack communication from Lindsay, my latest potential life-mate via eHarmony.

Her profile was interesting, she was quite attractive, and hell, she wants to communicate right away! Did I have any other choice but to contact her and start this relationship ball rolling?


Like you, I'm pretty new to eHarmony...kinda of a weird situation, yeah?

Glad to hear you are interested, as I am too! I saw you put "self employed" on your profile...what exactly is that? I also saw you enjoy golfing...awesome! I played some college golf, just became a professional golfer and currently work in the golf industry. What a great game! Maybe we'll go to the driving range sometime?

Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Sincere, sweet and to the point.

Like I said, I'm really looking foward to hearing from her.

(12 minutes later...)

Hey oh! Quick response back! I love it! Let's see what she has to say...

Hello Joe,

How are you today??? I read your very profile and not only did I really like what I read about you, but I was laughing so hard!! You are very funny. I couldn't wait to go through guided communication so I decided to go for the fast track..., which I enjoyed very much and happy you responded. You sound very sincere and special. If possible, I would love to get to know you.

You wanted to know why I decided to join eHarmony and it's because of the loneliness I've experienced this last year until now; I pray things work out...

More about me: I am single (never married!), born in Miami, went to school at the University of South Carolina, and recently reside in Newport Beach. I find very much peace and tranquility here. So, yeah, I'm glad you saw my job was "Self-Employed". Some people think that means unemployed but I'm not! I sell sculptures, beads, gold, etc. It's beautiful and fun.

You already read my profile but here's more about me (get ready for a book!): athletic build, mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person. I am real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I enjoy chilling with my loved ones, I like going to the movies, or watching movies in my room, I like swimming, fishing, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, traveling, going bowling and also a good cook, I can make crepes, pasta, Italian, and anything from scrap I am a family oriented person and there is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself... :)

I am really interested in wanting to know about what makes you the special person you are today, I want to know more about your family, your background, your life experiences, past relationships, your goals and dreams, your interests, and anything else you want to tell me. So come on and share it all with me. I want to learn about you and what makes up your heart and soul, as the friendship I want to build with you I want it to be like no other you have ever shared in or experienced. This friendship I want to build with you will be filled with substance, quality, spirituality and potential.

I know that there is no barrier too great for God, when He chooses to bring two people together; I am at a point in my life where I would always be honest with the chosen one, and be there with the one God has for me 24/7.

I look forward to hearing from you with anticipation. It is better to try and fail than to give up and never know if you could have succeeded.

Warmest Thoughts,

BTW, I love your glasses in your pictures! So cute!

Here's what I'm thinking:

1) She likes me! She still really likes me!

2) Her line "the loneliness I've experienced this last year until now" is a bit sad. Creepy, but sad.

3) University of South Carolina, eh? Not the USC I'd prefer, but I do like my women to be edumacated.

4) "Sculptures, beads, gold, etc." Whoa, whoa, whoa..."etc." is Latin for "and the rest (of such things)" and really should be used when naming same like items in a group. "Scultpures, beads, gold"? Those aren't really related...what's she leaving off with the "etc."? Car mufflers? Chinese immigrants? Human organs?

5) When you put "mentally stable" second on a list of traits...chances are you aren't mentally stable.

6) "Watching movies in my room"...Padded, I'm sure.

7) Amanda pointed something out to me: Amanda's a fantastic cook, and even she doesn't even make anything from "scape". Lindsay must have some culinary game!

8) I like that she's interested all about me but she wants to know about my "past relationships"? Maybe it's my insecurities, but I don't even want to know who a girl I'm interested in talked to yesterday, let along what their past relationships were!

9) "I love your glasses in your pictures! So cute!" It works everytime (50% of the time).

Okay, okay...maybe I'm being too harsh. It's just a stupid email, right? I'll write her back tonight. Maybe I'll get a better vibe from the next email.


Mr. Strangelove (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love eHarmony)


Dear God, why must you torment me like this? Why, oh why?

My latest turn with eHarmony (for past exploits, read this, this, and this) came last night when I was checking my email. I got a notice from the Matchmakers From Hell in my in-box saying "Joe --- we've got a match for you" to which I opened and met Lindsay, the uber-hot 26-year-old, white non-Hispanic, self-employed, non-smoking Catholic girl-next-door from Newport Beach.

Uber-hot, you ask? How would I know that? Because here's the photo attached to Lindsay's profile:

To be brutally honest, as the kids say, "I'd hit it." But let's not get off the beaten path (as opposed to the beaten'-off path....rim shot!) There's a story here that I need to tell!

So I see the photo and think "Wow, she's hot...and my type!" (tall, brunette, girl-next-door.) Of course, merely 3.1 seconds later, my natural cynical-self came back to reality and thought that something wasn't right. I was validated when I noticed that Lindsay had sent me a communication, stating that she wanted to FastTrack* the courting process. (*There's two types of communication on eHarmony: Guided and FastTrack. Guided is the preferred, as it "forces" the two matched up to exchange multiple-choice questions to each other, Must Haves and Can't Stands, open-ended questions, then once that happens, then the two can communicate through messaging, which could lead to exchanging emails or phone numbers or ultimately meeting each other. FastTrack, on the other hand, cuts out the bullshit and allows the two to immediately communicate.)

The thing is, of the 130+ "matches" I've been so lucky to have had thus far, exactly ZERO have established FastTracking...until now. Aprehensive and cynical as hell, I still thought this was too good to be true but a female friend (I always confine in women in relationship advice, as they seem to know the best) said to proceed, that I wasn't giving myself enough credit and that I ought to give the match a fair chance. Proceed I did...

So I okayed the FastTrack, which immediately gave me Lindsay's initial message :

Hey, Lindsay is my name, I am new to this whole online thing, please bear with me. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I am interested in getting to know more about you. After all, you are really cute and your profile seriously caught my attention...it's the funniest thing EVER! I guarantee that I am a nice girl and know how to treat a man... I have a degree in Accounting and minor in Art. You seems to be a very down to earth guy and I really admire that! I guess I will leave you with this for now. I hope your day went well and I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks for reading this! I practically wrote you a book! He he!

PS... I am very interested in getting to know more about you, if you are interested in me kindly write me back at my personal mail ...


It is better to try and fail than to give up and never know if you could have succeeded.

First thoughts:

1) She likes me! She really likes me!

2) I would have really gotten excited if she said "so bare with me..." but I digress.

3) My "profile [is] the funniest thing ever"? My profile is pretty witty and funny, but maybe she meant it's so ridiciulous, she had to laugh aloud. I've been there.

4) So a degree in accounting and a minor in art = knowing how to treat a man?

5) Wait, your email address contains the phrase "hearthrobfinder2008"? Red flag!

"So what'd you do, Joe?" is what you're asking, I know. You'll just have to keep reading The Year of Joe to find out, now won't you?

Sometimes great things just fall into your lap, like a foul ball during a baseball game or a stripper at the Pretty Kitty. I have a feeling this will make great blog fodder for the next few days.


'Tis The (Baseball) Season


Walked into the bar at work today and what did I see on ESPN? Baseball! I couldn't care less that it was the Yankees...it was baseball!

Driving home from the gym I turned on sports talk radio and what were they talking about? Baseball!

Hell, I've even put aside all my reading (one work reading assignment, my nightly PGA studying and my current book of leisure) and cracked open a few baseball annuals to start working on my fantasy baseball spreadsheets.

As a self-proclaim baseball fanatic, I love this time of year and the following eight months.

* * * * *

The image above is taken from a photograph gallery by Don Hamerman. For more of his beautiful baseball photos, visit here.


March Madness

So it's March, which means around offices, bars, and homes everywhere, you'll start seeing brackets popping up everywhere.

The Year of Joe isn't going to be any different...well, actually I will be.

I want to do a bracket and allow you to vote and pick winners but it has nothing to do with college basketball. This weekend I will unveil my 16 (well, it'll be 15 plus a play-in game) "team" bracket that I'd like all my faithful readers to participate in.

Intrigued? Good! Check back in a day or two to see what I'm getting at!

* * * * *

Happy birthday to the following dignitaries (from oldest to youngest):

Frederic "Fucking" Chopin, famous composer
March 1, 1810

Glenn Miller, famous "Big Band" musician
March 1, 1904

Harry Caray, Hall of Fame broadcaster
March 1, 1914

Pete Rozelle, legendary NFL commissioner
March 1, 1926

Alan Thicke*, "Growing Pains" star
March 1, 1947

*I just found out Alan Thicke is father of R&B crooner Robin Thicke. I never knew!

Ron Howard, uber- actor/producer/director
March 1, 1954

Javier Bardem, Oscar-winning actor
March 1, 1969

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, aka Zack Morris
March 1, 1974

Others born on 3/1 include Ralph "The Invisible Man" Ellison, Harry "Day-Oh!" Belafonte, Roger "The Who" Daltry, Tim "Wings" Daly, NHL Hall of Famer Ron Francis, NBA baller Chris Webber, Roxy Ryder, star of such films as "Filthy's Monster Cocks" and "Who's Your Mommie? 2" and Mike Ellis, owner of Riley's, the best bar in Long Beach.

Oh, and me!