iPod is Dead and The Call From Hell

What an awful day yesterday. And I'm not even talking about USC's loss.

I had a new phone number in my BlackBerry, a potential blind date. A friend told me she had this great single friend who she thought that we would really hit it off. She gave me her friend's number and urged me to call. I kinda figured she was just throwing me a bone as she prefaced it all by saying "Joe, you deserve to be happy. Call this girl." like the number came out of Governor Spitzer's little black book. I, of course, was reluctant but I decided the day couldn't go much worse.

I called the girl and, of course, got her voicemail. She sounded cute and I left a message telling her how I got her number and told her to give me a call when she got a chance as I'd like to meet her. Actually, I told her to call me back as late as 11:00 PM. "Why?" you ask? Well, two reasons: because 1) I'm usually sleeping by then and I'd rather not be lacking my "A" game should she call and 2) I'd hate for 10:00 PM to roll around and the girl think it's too late, so I figure the superficial 11 o'clock "deadline" serves a purpose.

So with a renewed spirit, I thought I should still go to the gym even though I'm drained from therapy. (In the way only I could convey, I told Dr. G that "I had filed for emotional bankruptcy"...has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?) I got to the Y and I jumped on the bike with the iTune on 'shuffle'. Let me tell you...there was nothing random about the fateful shuffle that iGod choose to pump into my ears.

About twenty minutes into my workout, "I'm A Loser" by The Beatles comes on. I actually chucked out loud in the irony but keep going because it's a good song and, hello, it's The Beatles! 'Nuf said! The song ends -- by the way, what ever happened to the great two-, two-and-a-half minute rock song? -- and next on the Nano is Bow Wow's "Outta My System"...decent jam, even better beat...okay, I won't concentrate on the lyrics and continue cycling. Then starts Sade's "By Your Side." Man, what a great song -- Kory, one of your faves, no? -- but really, not exactly what I had in mind right now. I hit the >>| button on the iPod and the next song couldn't have started any quicker or louder. I felt like I was just named champion of "Name That Tune" then scissor-kicked to the groin. It takes a couple milliseconds before I realize it's Chicago and "If You Leave Me Now". Now this is one of my parent's favorite songs and I always thought of it as a romantic, albeit sappy song but it just took on a whole new meaning while I'm dripping in sweat on the LifeCycle. Next!

"You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips..." Yeah, that's right. The fucking Righteous Brothers. Now I've stopped pedaling and I literally look around the gym expecting to see a camera crew laughing their asses off at me and Ashton Kutcher to get off the StairMaster behind me and tell me I've been Punk'd. This is cruel AND unusual. Stop with all the slow emotional crap! Okay, shake yourself Joe! Next song! Some hip-hop or techno is bound to be in rotation soon, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?


I hear the background drums and guiter riff of No Doubt's "Simple Kind of Life". I know the lyrics (if you don't, they are here) and I didn't need to make it to the chorus to know I had to get the hell out of there.

I didn't even dare turn on the radio when I got into my car for fear the first thing on would have been something that forced me to drive the Honda into a light pole.

Okay...deep breath. So that gym session didn't go as planned. It's okay, cuz now I'm just exhausted. I'm gonna go home, take (another) shower, make some green tea and call it a night.

Of course, I wait until after 11:00 to take my shower...and 11:00 came and went without hearing from that girl so I assumed she'd maybe call the next day, or not at all. At around 11:15, I got out of the shower and saw that she left me a voicemail at 11:12 that ends with her saying "Give me a call when you get a chance."

Hmm, 11:12...clearly, she's not one for following instructions, but I figured what the hell, she friggin' called me! I was feeling so fresh and so clean so why not give her a quick call back?

Here's what basically transpired when I called:

Her (softly): Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Joe, Shae's friend. Sorry...did I wake you?
Her (annoyed): Sorta.
Me: Umm, oh, umm, well go back to sleep then. Sorry about that! Well, is it cool if I give you a call tomorrow?
Her: Why would you call me so late?
Me (caught of guard): You mean like now?
Her: Yeah.
Me: Umm, you called me like 10 minutes ago. I assumed you'd still be up.
Her (even more annoyed): Well, I wasn't.
Me: It was literally like 6 minutes ago.
Her: I don't know about you, but I have to be at work tomorrow morning.
Me: Okay, well, again, sorry. We'll talk another time, I guess?
She then lets out a loud, fake yawn to further her point that I woke her up. Again, I look around my room to see if Ashton is hiding in my kitchen...
Her (like she's doing me a favor): Well, I'm up already...what's up?
Me (trying to be funny): What's up? Clearly not you! Hey, get back to sleep...I've got an early day tomorrow as well.
Her: It's just I don't get why you thought it was okay to call me so late.
Me: You said, "Give me a call when you get a chance"...10 minutes ago!
Her: You didn't want me calling you after 11 so why would you call me after 11?
Me: But you DID call me after 11. In fact, it was like 8 minutes ago, remember?
Her: I figured I'd just leave you a voicemail, which I did.
Me: You could have woken ME up. Would that have been okay?
Her: I never would have woken you up. I'm not like that.
Me: How could you have known you wouldn't wake me up?
Her: 'Cuz I'm nice and don't do things like that.
Okay, fuck it...it's not Ashton I'm looking for now. I'm almost seriously expecting my world to turn into black and white and in the corner of my apartment see Rod Sterling smoking a cigarette and about to start his opening monologue for 'The Twilight Zone'.
Me (in my head): Oh my fucking God! Why have I not hung up already? I'm so gonna kill Shae.
Me (what I actually said): Wow...I've gotten off on the wrong foot here. I really apologize. You get to bed, and I'll call you at a more appropriate time.
Her (still annoyed): Fine. Good night.

So that didn't go as planned...

I should have called her again when I got up at 2:15 in the morning to take a piss, just to let her know I was thinking of her, but somehow I doubt I would have gotten an "Awww, that's so sweet!" from her. Instead, I'll wait for that "more appropriate time" to call her again, which is likely to be never.

So how was YOUR Thursday?


Adam G Partridge said...

OUCH! Joe, you have so much game and you don't even know it. You're like this bear with these claws and that girl is a sheep and you're just batting her around...
By the way that WAS a rookie mistake. You always wait 6 days before you call a girl back.

j.h.k. said...

Same thing happened to me one time...at NINE IN THE FUCKING EVENING!! NINE!! We were supposed to do something, she was supposed to call to set it up, I called her at NINE(!) and she was sleeping and irritated I called. Apparently, she goes to bed early and gets up early. Things I might have known had I ever gone out with her. NINE!

Good reference, Adam. Joe, shake it off, man. Just shake it off. Like Jay-Z getting harassed by the po-po, just get that dirt off your shoulder. She sounds like a high-maintenance, self-centered broad anyway.

As for the ipod, do you not have a gym-mix playlist? That's Ipod 101, man. Still, you really can't read into that. And you know this.

Danielle said...

Who can actually fall asleep so deeply in 6 minutes? Seriously Joe, she is probably heavily medicated, you don't want that kind of baggage anyway!!

AJ said...

She's a nitwit.

I really can't think of something more creative than that and I am fresh our of Jay-Z references for the day. John has cornered that market, clearly. Which basically makes me giggle.

Conrad said...

That was awesome!