The Next Email

So when I initially got Lindsay's first email, I told someone that this was too good to be true...that it's one of three things: 1) eHarmony is stringing me along with this great match so I pay up for another month, 2) Lindsay is locked up in an asylum and I'm her only form of entertainment or 3) Lindsay's gonna tell me she needs $10,000 to get her brother out of Nigeria. You know, the ol' Spanish Prisoner con*.

*This isn't my first foray into publically exposing my correspondence with a scam. Back in 2002, on my old SoapboxPolitics blog, I exchanged a few emails with a lovely lady named Sylvia who had such a sad story. I was very disappointed that I couldn't help her out. For good laughs, check out those emails by starting here, then read this, this, this, this and finally this.

But hey, who am I to say who's crazy or desperate? This is me, we're talking about. So let's continue on with my on-growing relationship (albeit via email) with Lindsay:

Lindsay,

Wow! You not only a great writer, but your words are so amazing and beautiful.

You wrote "I am looking for a man that will be able to listen to me, communicate his feelings to me, make me laugh, hold and comfort me in need, stand by my side, respect me, passionate lover in every way, support me in everyway, love me and only me, make me smile, protect me when needed, romantic time to time, constantly reactive, and treat me right". I'm really close on this one. Really, really close.

I can't wait to talk to you soon. Your emails amaze me! Just a question: do you use spell check?

Have a fantastic day,

Joe

...to which Lindsay -- two hours later -- wrote me back an email with the subject line: "God took 1 rib from Adam and made Eve. I'm your missing rib to be whole!!!" (I'm serious...you can't make this kind of stuff up!)

Sweetheart,

I feel real good checking my mail to read from you again, you are the reason to my happiness now, I am happy you are interested in learning more about me , I have been single for years, because am yet to find that special one to share my life with , I am presently in Africa(Nigeria ),is not just a visit ,am here on business trip, am here to buy gold, sculptures and some paintings , it is cheaper down here compared to other part for the world, I inherit this business from my late parents , it has been an interesting business. About my family it’s a long story to tell and touching that make me share tears whenever i remembered the past. I will keep this short, I came out from a good combination of two, my Dad is from Bahamas while Mom is a native of America. I am the one and only child of my parent, I will count it ,I have a big Family because I don’t know much about my Dads family in the Bahamas while my moms part is very small...Unfortunately I lost my parent same day, same time, same moment by a car accident, this happened about 8years ago, since then I have started to live my life by myself and not depending on my family, although I still miss my Mom because of the courage and advises she use to give to me about life , but I am glad I am whom I am today.

About my past relationship, I have been into 3 relationships and those are also my only sexual partners I have ever had. 2 of my relationships ended because of my partners betrayal and infidelity (cheating) and the other 1 ended because the love was not there to grow. I know this sounds strange to you but as I wrote above I have not been sexually active now for 2 years, ever since then I live my life through the word of God and through my spirituality, and I refuse to have sex with someone if I am not in a relationship with them and my last relationship ended over 2 years ago. My reasoning which I understand is very strange in today's world, but my belief is my heart and soul, and the passion that is in it is very unique and special, so I made the decision and made a promise to God that I would not be sexually active for the sake of just wanting sex, or to have sex for someone else’s own self gratification. Knowing the passion that is contained in my heart and soul is very unique, I made the decision to abstain from sex because I want this special gift to be shared with the person I am dedicating the rest of my life to, as his Wife and the mother of his children.

I can cook pretty good ... I love red wine, French table wine and garlic bread. I've been working out more regularly than I had been, and eat healthy food...I don't do drugs, and I like who I am.. Although I think a terrific man would bring out the best in me...I'm a believer in God who pray every blessed day , am a good catholic , i do go to church weekly, and try to do the right things every day...I don't worry about what people think of me...I know how to treat a man well still yet I was betrayed by my own best friend dating my Ex Boyfriend...my goals and dreams are to live a good life, happy home blessed with beautiful kids with someone that believes in unconditional love...

Thanks again for writing me. You take the time to give your messages a personal touch and I really appreciate the effort. I can only hope that I don't end up being a disappointment to you. I can hardly wait for your next message. You've really made my day. As I'm ending this email I'm mentally giving you a hug. Have a great day and Take care sweetie.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11 (NIV)
Lindsay.

The run-down:

1) How about the name of that email? If she's my missing rib, than I'm her big toe.

2) Nigeria...what did I fucking tell ya!

3) Her parents died in a car accident? Man, I'm a sucker for happy endings...hope this turns out okay.

4) Is it just me or has Lindsay's grammar gotten really shitty? Doesn't say much about the English program at the University of South Carolina, now does it?

5) "I know this sounds strange to you but as I wrote above I have not been sexually active now for 2 years" Sounds strange? How about "sounds awesome!" I'm freakin' jealous! She obviously doesn't know who she's dealing with! I think Saturday Night Live has had four different George Bush impersonators since I last got action! Wait, was Bush even President when I last got some booty? Shit...

6) "I can cook pretty good ... I love red wine, French table wine and garlic bread." Okay, that's great and all but...what about cooking? Sounds like you drink and defrost pretty good to me. What can you cook (besides "scrape"?)

7) "I was betrayed by my own best friend dating my Ex Boyfriend" Obviously her and her friend don't follow "Bros before Hos". And it's was only dating...not sure if you can technically call that "betrayal". Watch a few hours of a 'Beverly Hills 90210' marathon on the Soap Channel...now that there is betrayal!

8) "I can only hope that I don't end up being a disappointment to you." Hmm, something tells me you will.

9) "As I'm ending this email I'm mentally giving you a hug" which we all know leads to eye-fucking the shit out of someone.

10) I kinda dug the scripture at the end, I'm not gonna lie.

So whatta think? Promising, yeah? Maybe eHarmony's marriage calculator had it all wrong! Who knows? Maybe this time next year, I'll be sipping French table wine with Lindsay, my beautiful bride!