I'm A Soldier

No, make that "I'm a fuckin' soldier!"

But more on that later...

So it's Day 5 of my new relationship. If you don't know what I'm talking about, where the heck have you been?

I was planning on writing Lindsay back right away but I was just exhausted. So first thing yesterday when I got to work ( my 7th day in a row and what would end up being 72 total hours, for all of you counting) was I opened up the ol' email server and decided to really just let my heart open up and and tell Lindsay how I felt:


I am so honored by your honesty with me. It's because of this sense of security I get when I communicate with you that I am continuing this great relationship. That and you are pretty flippin' hot. Any more pictures?

I feel the same way that you do about me...if you are the Queen, I want to be your servant. I want to give you everything, my mind, my body, my soul. I want to share eternity with you, and only you. If you have any sexy friends, I wouldn't mind sharing myself with them too. Like I've told you before, I'm a giver!

I hope your flight home is safe. Before you leave, can you bring me back one of those cool shrunken voodoo heads? Oh, and if you have time, there's a little girl I'm sponsoring in
Africa. Her name is LaFawnduh. Tell her the check is in the mail. And if you see Sally Struthers or Angelina Jolie while you are over there, get their autographs for me! But enough about me...I know you are busy, so I eagerly await your return.

Please keep emailing me when you have the time. My whole day centers around your updates. Even though we haven't met, I miss you.

Your love muffin,


So with my heart all a'flutter, I returned my focus back to work. About an hour later, I realized I had left my email open, so I went to close it but low and behold, a reply from Pumpkin titled "My Goods"! And with three attachments to boot! You can only imagine the thoughts that went through my head!

I have attached some of the goods I just purchased today...

That's it? What a letdown. And what is that junk? Ancient African bongs and a pimp cup? Not sure if there's much to say back to Lindsay about this. Maybe she'll write me back when she returns to the States, whenever that will be.

(flash forward to 9:00 last night)

New email time! What's better then coming back from the gym to have an email called "My Soldier of Mercy!" blinking in my in-box? And with another attachment! (If it's another picture of something that looks like it was stolen from the prop closet of the Jungle Cruise, I'm gonna be pissed.)

Sweetheart your letter keeps chilling me up with hopes and thoughts of a future plans .At this very moment I am sitting here dreaming and fantasizing about how nice it would be for you to be near, where I could do what I enjoy most and that is being able to romance the special one I have in my life...

Your heart is the biggest part of all that attracted me to you, from the first day I saw your profile and getting to know you more I have a true feelings for you which I hope to develop to a great and higher place where we can settle down as one with a happy home blessed with beautiful kids.

In me you will find a most romantic woman you have ever met. There are very few promises in life but this is one of them!. ROMANCE is the key to my happiness and to my heart and soul!. It is the single biggest reason I am single today is because I have yet to find a man who will romance me with the passion of there heart and be a giver of there love, and not just a taker. I am a woman who is very committed to the special man I am sharing my heart and soul with. I totally dedicate and devote my life totally to this person 24/7, for he is my King and it is my belief that as long as he is my King, God would want me to treat him as such, by putting him on a pedestal that is reserved only for a King and showing him with an endless amount of affection, attention, passion, and unconditional love. It is my duty as a follower of the word of God to be his provider, providing for his emotional, mental, and sexual needs. It is my responsibility as his Queen to take any problems and stress that he has in his life and put it on my shoulders to free him of it, for I am a woman and his Queen!. My shoulders are bigger so it is my obligation to carry the burdens he has in life on them, allowing him to have a healthy mind, body, and heart and soul at all times. I love and cherish this role sweetheart, and it is because I love it so much, that I feel God has a role for everyone in life, and his chosen role for me is to be a excellent wife, mother, and family woman, because of the way I live my life, and because of my passion to be a great lover and family woman, in addition to the passion I have for children. I believe children play a big part in my life.

Sweetheart I am through with my business here and I will be flying back to Los Angeles on wednesday, I will send you my flight schedule... Dear I believe by the time we see face to face, your doubt will fly out of the window and I want you to know you are really going to be in for a big surprise as you get to know and understand me as my words mean nothing compared to my action.
Your Angel Of Mercy.

Oh, about that attachement:

The commentary y'all been waiting for:

1) Holy crap, this broad is crazy. But then again, look at that rack of hers!

2) "Your heart is the biggest part of all that attracted me to you, from the first day I saw your profile..." Phew, that's a relief. I was worried my eHarmony profile didn't show enough of my heart. Glad she read a few arbitrary questions off a dating website and somehow looked deep into my soul and came to the conclusion I have a big heart.

3) "...we can settle down as one with a happy home blessed with beautiful kids." Is now the right time to tell her my parole officer warned me not to be around minors?

4) I won't touch the third paragraph except for this tidbit: "It is my duty as a follower of the word of God to be his provider, providing for his emotional, mental, and sexual needs." Um, what Bible is she reading?

5) So Wednesday it is! Maybe I can pick her up from the airport...

6) Did I already say "Look at that rack of hers!"?

I'm gonna have to sleep on this one. Until then, I'll have happy dreams of Lindsay, in a beautiful Vera Wang lace straight-jacket, walking down the aisle on our up-coming wedding day.


Anonymous said...

Nice rack....compeletly crazy. Is it worth it?

Conrad said...

For the guy who has no time, I think you are expending way too much energy on this. Why are you wasting your time? Is this fun to you? No wonder Sarah's fucking Matt Damon. You'd rather toy with the hopes and dreams of some poor girl from Uzbekistan. If your plan is to really look for love, I think these shenanigans are taking you in the wrong direction. I'd like to know what your therapist thinks of this compulsive behavior.

Danielle (Cassara) Thacker said...

Joe...I fucking LOVE you. I am currently leaving my husband in efforts to move to Sand Diego and find you.

As for Lindsay...I think she is hot as well, but note her statement..."Dear I believe by the time we see face to face, your doubt will fly out of the window and I want you to know you are really going to be in for a big surprise...." You know that surprise is that she is 5'1, weighs 325 lbs, and is actually Nigerian with a British accent. You sure will be surprised when you see her at the airport for a short time along side your car, then as she gets smaller in the rear view mirror!

Oh yeah, I would also like to add...is anyone really that stupid? You openly insult her and ask her to bring a couple of hot friends along, yet she keeps telling you how fantastic you are! I especially love the batman reference!

Bravo Joe, Bravo!

Kory said...

(cough) Whore!

Adam G Partridge said...

Of course you'll have to get married before she'll attend to your sexual needs.
And I'm trying to look at her rack but the picture cut it off half way, so it's hard to tell if it's any good. I could send you a picture of half my chest and you'd think I was curvaceous.

Adam G Partridge said...

And of course, who can forget that great Onion headline: "God apologizes; gives back Pat Tillman, Takes Kellen Winslow instead"