"Don't waste my mutha fuckin' time!"

I am Al's inner rage.

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So I make it through the grueling hoops of eHarmony's "Guided Communication" with this really super cute girl. She's a nice mix of competitive athlete (former D-I basketball point guard) and perky surfer girl-next-door. She admits to "being a spazz" (not literally, I hope) and having a "goofy personality" and the five things she can't live without are: good music, champagne, avocados, the beach, and Mexican food. Sounds pretty promising, right?

So after the multiple choice questions, swapping Must Haves and Can't Stands (let the record show I think it's the most ridiculous part of the eHarmony matching process), and answering the open-ended questions, we are finally able to communicate with each other.

Picture me...alone in my apartment, starved for love, hoping maybe this is the one. I send her my standard "hey, looks like we made it!," "what brings you to eHarmony?," "can't wait to learn more about you!" initial email to her. Her response (an excerpt):

That is the same question I would pose to you! You don't really seem like the kind of guy that would be on an internet dating service. That means there has to be something wrong...what is it? (Is she serious or joking? Most people follow up writing/typing a sarcastic remark with at least a " : ) " or something. Is she actually mocking me?)

As for me, some friends and I decided to get on here for fun, just kind of see what's going on. I am pretty social person and I go out a lot but the last place I am trying to meet someone is at a bar. I would never think about dating someone within my circle of friends even though they are fab. Basically, just wanted to test it out, see if there was any type of legitimacy to it whatsoever...so far, there is none. (Wait...is that including me or up until me?) I am very hesistant about this whole deal. So, most of the time, I just have fun messing with people. (So you're wasting my time, is what you're saying? This is just some kind of game to you? THERE ARE LIVES AT STAKE HERE, LADY!)

So that happened...

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Many of you have emailed, text'd, called me, asking how my date went on last Saturday with Lynn (who I described a week ago as "the self-employed party planner. She loves football, chapstick and trying new restaurants...what's not to like? I'm pretty stoked about this match."

Well, given that I didn't blog about it means I couldn't find anything wrong with the date or girl (yet), even after all my over-analyzing. It was super casual, mid-day coffee date. We both were working, so when we mutually agreed that we would end the date, we both said (in different ways) that we had to get back to work.

She said she had a good time and wanted to go out again. She told me she'd email me this week. No word from her yet...I think I'll drop her a line tonight and pass on my phone number.

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Okay, I really appreciate all the help some of you have done for me. Many of you have gone out of your way to help me break my streak/find love/get a fucking life. And as much help as I need and like to receive, it is getting a bit out of hand. I swear to God I have someone trying to match me with someone at least once a day. Here's the set-ups I've gotten over the past week:

Friday night: I get a late night text message from my best friend telling me his friend "wants to have sex with [me]...no strings attached." You can't make this stuff up. (Don't get me wrong, but I just don't roll like that. Then again, the way I have been rolling hasn't done jack shit for me, now has it?)

Tuesday: The head pro at my course tells one of his students about me and after giving her a lesson, he forwards me the text she sent him: "if he's a good guy and u r comfortable with setting a sister up with him, give him my number. :) joe, right? susie"

Today: We had a regional job fair and I was asked to be one of the interviewers. Other department heads from the region were going to be there, in addition to a few recruiters and trainers from the corporate office. One such person from corporate is really cute and I have to admit, I have a crush on her. We've met several times before and there was innocent flirting and banter. Sure enough, she shows up and my GM starts telling her how single I am and that I'm available, leaving me to turn about fifteen shades of red. (Sidebar: Why the fuck does the Regional Vice President, whom I see maybe once a month, ask me "Joe, get a girlfriend yet?" every time he sees me? The first time was kind of funny, but now he's basically patronizing me.)

Today #2: I think Mike the Bartender tried to set me up with his wive's friend, who happens to be recently widowed. In fact, her husband was semi-famous and his tragic death made headlines. Can you say "rebound"?

(Amanda, this post in no way means I don't want to be hooked up with Kendall...you've got pretty good judgement, so I'll go with it.)

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Fear not, friendly readers...I have a date lined up again on Saturday night. Another set-up by a friend, apparently this girl could have been a professional dancer (no, not a stripper) but chose to become some kind of lawyer. I just hope she's not some kind of crazy.