Mr. Strangelove (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love eHarmony)


Dear God, why must you torment me like this? Why, oh why?

My latest turn with eHarmony (for past exploits, read this, this, and this) came last night when I was checking my email. I got a notice from the Matchmakers From Hell in my in-box saying "Joe --- we've got a match for you" to which I opened and met Lindsay, the uber-hot 26-year-old, white non-Hispanic, self-employed, non-smoking Catholic girl-next-door from Newport Beach.

Uber-hot, you ask? How would I know that? Because here's the photo attached to Lindsay's profile:

To be brutally honest, as the kids say, "I'd hit it." But let's not get off the beaten path (as opposed to the beaten'-off path....rim shot!) There's a story here that I need to tell!

So I see the photo and think "Wow, she's hot...and my type!" (tall, brunette, girl-next-door.) Of course, merely 3.1 seconds later, my natural cynical-self came back to reality and thought that something wasn't right. I was validated when I noticed that Lindsay had sent me a communication, stating that she wanted to FastTrack* the courting process. (*There's two types of communication on eHarmony: Guided and FastTrack. Guided is the preferred, as it "forces" the two matched up to exchange multiple-choice questions to each other, Must Haves and Can't Stands, open-ended questions, then once that happens, then the two can communicate through messaging, which could lead to exchanging emails or phone numbers or ultimately meeting each other. FastTrack, on the other hand, cuts out the bullshit and allows the two to immediately communicate.)

The thing is, of the 130+ "matches" I've been so lucky to have had thus far, exactly ZERO have established FastTracking...until now. Aprehensive and cynical as hell, I still thought this was too good to be true but a female friend (I always confine in women in relationship advice, as they seem to know the best) said to proceed, that I wasn't giving myself enough credit and that I ought to give the match a fair chance. Proceed I did...

So I okayed the FastTrack, which immediately gave me Lindsay's initial message :

Hey, Lindsay is my name, I am new to this whole online thing, please bear with me. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I am interested in getting to know more about you. After all, you are really cute and your profile seriously caught my attention...it's the funniest thing EVER! I guarantee that I am a nice girl and know how to treat a man... I have a degree in Accounting and minor in Art. You seems to be a very down to earth guy and I really admire that! I guess I will leave you with this for now. I hope your day went well and I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks for reading this! I practically wrote you a book! He he!

PS... I am very interested in getting to know more about you, if you are interested in me kindly write me back at my personal mail ...


It is better to try and fail than to give up and never know if you could have succeeded.

First thoughts:

1) She likes me! She really likes me!

2) I would have really gotten excited if she said "so bare with me..." but I digress.

3) My "profile [is] the funniest thing ever"? My profile is pretty witty and funny, but maybe she meant it's so ridiciulous, she had to laugh aloud. I've been there.

4) So a degree in accounting and a minor in art = knowing how to treat a man?

5) Wait, your email address contains the phrase "hearthrobfinder2008"? Red flag!

"So what'd you do, Joe?" is what you're asking, I know. You'll just have to keep reading The Year of Joe to find out, now won't you?

Sometimes great things just fall into your lap, like a foul ball during a baseball game or a stripper at the Pretty Kitty. I have a feeling this will make great blog fodder for the next few days.


Anonymous said...

This will be great to look at on your 20th wedding anniversary.

j.h.k. said...

This post offends me on several levels, Broseph, but I'm gonna bite my tongue.

Joe said...

You should bite your tongue...I know what you're thinking, but what I know that you all don't know, in the end, you'll have a good laugh.

j.h.k. said...

I don't think you know what I'm thinking.

Joe said...

Do tell!

j.h.k. said...

nah, i'm gonna bite my tongue. lord knows i bust your balls enough. i'll wait for something better.

Kory said...

I don't know what your talking about, John...maybe let everyone else in on your thoughts, you know, just the readers. Joe won't find out.