The Horribly Lying Lawyer/OB-GYN/Whatever

It's 12:14 AM and I've been drinking. And I'm alone. Not good.

I was supposed to go out with a lawyer tonight, remember? The plan was for me to call her to confirm the details on this afternoon, which I did. After the standard "How was your day?" and "Looking forward to dinner tonight!" pleasantries, she told me she wasn't sure if she'd be able to make our date because her best friend was in labor in the hospital. "Oh, are you planning on being in the delivery room when the baby arrives?" to which she answered "no," causing me to become a wee bit puzzled as to why her friend's situation was going to affect our date. It's not like I was planning on taking her to Paris for the entire weekend, for cryin' out loud. She starts mumbling and to be honest, she's a horrible fucking liar so her reasoning for why she needed to be present during the birth was not only incoherent, but totally unbelievable as well. Now I know I don't have my Juris Doctor degree, but unless the administering of epidurals or measuring of cervical dilation is now something they teach at the University of San Diego Law School, this girl was clearly full of shit.

But I heard she was attractive and I am quite desperate, so I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, no matter how absurd.

She told me that if I didn't hear from her by 6 PM, I was to assume that our date was still on. I told her I'd rather she call me at 6 o'clock to let me know exactly if we were on or not simply as a courtesy. At this point, I knew the date was almost definitely off, but I still planned my evening around it, just in case God decided not to continue his run of cruel and unusual jokes on me.

Sure enough, Alli McMedicine Woman called exactly at 6 PM and said, "Would you be terribly offended if we postponed our date? I'm still stuck at work," and she then followed up her lame excuse with some incoherent babbling about a friend coming into town tomorrow and that she needed to clean up her house. So now she was canceling the date because a) her friend was in labor, b) She was still stuck at work on a Saturday, and c) a friend was in from out of town. A trifecta!

Now, I always thought one of the first things they taught you to do in law school was to lie. After all, isn't that what being a lawyer is all about? (I kid, I kid.) But this chick must have been absent that day because she absolutely sucked at it. I told her that I wasn't offended and that she should go and enjoy her time with her friends, and that it was nice talking to her. I almost wanted to give her a lesson on how to lie since she clearly could have used it, but I was politeland decided to bite thy tongue. She did, however, seem a bit taken aback that I made no effort to try and reschedule. In fact, she even flat out asked, "do you want to reschedule?" I decided to play along: "Okay, how's your schedule next week?"

She then proceeded to go through her Franklin Covey or DayRunner or Microsoft Outlook or whatever the hell she was pretending to reference and read off every day that she wasn't available. It was apparent she didn't want to meet so I basically cut her off and said "Why don't you call me, when you're available?" She said fine, and I said good night.

I've been flaked on and brushed off before and to be honest, it doesn't bother me the most about this whole situation. What really grinds my gears is that people no longer take pride in their work anymore...not even their lies!


Adam G Partridge said...

She could have gone with the old Jack Handy staple;
I'd love to go out with you but, I've got these bags.

xveganx said...

None of this explains why you flaked out on a free BBQed dinner and camp fire with people who would have actually liked to see you. We could have talked about shark attacks and how many balls I lost on your course.

Danielle said...

Maybe she hasn't gotten to the section in the big book of law where they teach lying and methods of deception. Maybe she was so worried about cleaning for her friends, because she lives in a pile of filth and scum. Maybe she is retarded...Joe, the possibilities are endless. Needless to say, I am willing to guess that you are not missing out. Lawyers (LIARS), whether good or not, really aren't the kind of people you actually hang out with, unless you NEED to. You know, oops I killed the neighbor, or damn, that drunk driving again...that is when you hang out with lawyers. Not, hey want to have dinner!