3.09.2008

Move over John, there's a new King in town

So it's another day, which can only mean another possible email exchange (or two) from my future-bride-to-be, Lindsay Cain.

I guess it was my turn to write her back after yesterday's email from her.

Lindsay,

I was so happy to get your email. It was a fantastic surprise to get it in my inbox when I got home from work!

So Africa, huh? Do you travel a lot for work? I've been to Boston, Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana, Washington, Houston, Kingston, Texarkana, Monterey, Ferriday, Santa Fe, Tallapoosa, Glen Rock, Black Rock, Little Rock, Oskaloosa, Tennessee, Tinnesay, Chicopee, Spirit Lake, Grand Lake, Devil's Lake, Crater Lake...I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere. It was the summer of '98 and I was following Metallica on their 'Speed of Sound' tour. Oh the stories I could tell you! Anywho, I love to travel, but I've never been outside the United States. Do you enjoy traveling? When do you think you'll be back from Nigeria because I can't wait to meet you!

Tell me more about your job...what do you do with the gold and paintings? Are you into the mining of precious metals, like gold digging?

I have to be honest with you...as happy as your emails make me, I was very sad to read about your family. I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. At least they weren't shot to death in front of you, like Batman's parents.

Thank you for also feeling open to tell me about your relationship history. I've been abstaining from sex the better part of this decade! It's not like I haven't been trying...it's just prostitutes here are pretty expensive. Wait, does oral count?

I love to learn that you can cook....because I love to eat! I think a women's place is in the kitchen and I'm glad you feel the same.

I can't wait to hear from you soon when you return from Africa. I can't wait to hear more about your trip...take a lot of pictures!

God bless...I wait with held breath for your next email!

Joe

Sure as shit, a few hours later, I have an email in my in-box from her! It's titled "To My Future King" and I see a little paperclip icon, which can only mean there are attachments to her letter.

I've always been one to read the card before opening up the present, but in this case, I'm gonna check out the attachements first. Looks like there are three of them: "thinkingofyou.jpg", "imgladihaveyou.jpg" and the rather binary-sounding "0110001.jpg".

Drumroll please...

Awww...how sweet! My mom usually sends me these kind of things. Wasn't it Freud and his theory of the "Oedipus complex" that said boys are attracted to their mothers and end up marrying women who remind them of their mothers?


What's this "friends" bullshit all about? I thought I was her future king!

Finally, the last attachment. My guess is that it is a drawing of a teddy bear with his hand in a jar and it says "You're my honey."

Hell-o! Honey pot indeed! This girl wants to be with me? (In Borat voice) "Very nice!"

Oh, wait, I forgot there was an email to read!

Sweetheart,
I just want you to know that I am very much appreciated receiving your letter every moment i check my mail. You are a very special person who I SERIOUSLY want to explore the possibility of building a long term friendship with, that will in time turn into a marriage and family. That is my dream, and I hope to make it come true with you!. In my heart I feel you have all the qualities it takes to make me very happy...

My favourite music is R&B , country music, Meals are Sea Food Lobster, chips & chicken and sushi and I like to dance, I speak spanish and alittle french , I have also got a british accent from my late Mom, because we are very close , she grew up in the Ireland, Oh i miss her so much today.

I do travel outside of the States to buy Art Sculptures, craft, beads etc and get it ship into the States for sales at a very profitable price, I have customers who are ready to pay me in cash as soon as it is delievered at the port of destination. this have make me travel a lot , I do travel once in 4-5months, I have been to Spain , Finland , Italy , Ireland , France , China , England , Australia and my first time in Africa, here is full of adventury, I have been here for almost 11days now. I will be back to Los Angeles early next week.

Honey in me you are going to find a woman that was blessed with an over abundance of passion to give to the ones I share my heart and soul with. For you to really know me you will have to experience me, as the love that makes up my heart is like a waterfall, where the water never stops flowing down. In this case my heart is the waterfall, and the love and passion that flows endlessly is representing the water. I am a very unique person for many reasons, but one of those is the fact that I can never get enough of romancing that special someone.

Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to build this special friendship with you!. You will be rewarded for it through the passionate love that makes up my heart and soul!. I am so excited to be able to do what I do best and that is romance you with all the passion that makes up my heart and soul!. My special friendship with you is something I want to make permanent and eventually build into a family to call our very own!

Directly from my heart to yours!

Your Future Queen! (I hope!)

PS... I have stoped checking on my profile on eharmony since I have found you and I have no reason for still searching, I hope you will appreciate this by doing the same.

Some casual observations:

1) Gee wiz, how she went from college grad to apparently English being her fourth language, I don't know! It's almost like she's not really American...

2) I really wasn't putting too much weight into her words until she wrote "SERIOUSLY" in all caps, so I guess you can count me in.

3) "Favourite"? See #1

4) "Sea Food Lobster"? Little redundant, don'tcha think?

5) She speaks "spanish and alittle french". Probably as well as she writes English.

6) She got an English accent from her Mom, who's from Ireland? Probably the funniest thing I've ever read in my life.

7) That whole part about the overflowing waterfall? Gotta admit, I fell for that one. I'm puddy in her hands at this point.

8) About her PS, how dare she ask me to stop on eHarmony. Just because this is the first potentially positive match out of what, a trillion?, doesn't mean I'm about to put all my proverbial eggs in one basket.

Stay tuned, faithful readers...more to come.

9 comments:

j.h.k. said...

For the record, I am against the use of eHarmony as blog fodder. That being said...

--I think you both need to cool out with all the exclamation points. " It was a fantastic surprise to get it in my inbox when I got home from work!" Yikes. I quote Brick Tamblin: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!"

--It confuses me how you openly insult her and she ignores it. She's clearly a fraud at this point, right? But what's the motivation? Interesting to see how this plays out.

--"Don't go chasin' waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all, but I think you're moving too fast."

--Given that she's obviously a fraud, I can forget about my opposition to posting this stuff long enough to say your latest e-mail was fuckin' classic.

Patrick Diaz said...

This is like watchin a tv series..."Stay tuned for next weeks episode!"...wow dude i cant tell...if she is real...i think u would havta owe her an appology...on second thought...if she is that dumb maybe she just needs some of Joes good lovin...lol

becky Smith said...

I couldn't find "adventury" in the dictionary...

Rob said...

Hey Joe,

Good luck with this one, I have received the same emails from this "Lindsay Cain" She is definitely a fraud.

If I knew how to upload pictures I would send you one you don't have yet.

Adam G Partridge said...

Joe, I had high hopes for you with this one, but you can never be with someone who can't catch a reference to a Johnny Cash song.

Anonymous said...

Thank God for Google search. I knew it sounded too goog to be true. The emails I recieved from her were IDENTICAL. She didn't even take the time to change them up. I wonder what her game is? Unfortunately she is playing with people's emotions which causes for more mistrust in the world. Thank you for you postings.

Iain McIntyre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Iain McIntyre said...

I too have been scammed my this "woman". I nearly fell for it too until I Googled "the love that makes up my heart is like a waterfall", which she had in her profile on Adult Friend Finders and posted to me in an email. The quote is from excatly the same passage Joe quoted. Indeed, the last two paragraphs are identical to the last two in a similar email to me.

I can tell you exactly what happens next, too: she will "arrange" a flight to an airport near you and want you to pick her up. She will even send you full flight details. At the last minute she will claim the hotel staff have siezed her passport and are demanding between$500 and $800 to return them. "Can you help me...?" You can figure the rest.

Check this website. "She" is all over it:

http://www.delphifaq.com/faq/russian_marriage_scams/f1154.shtml?p=3#comments

hans tingeling said...

Hello.
I just want to tell that I received a letter today from the same woman. And for some days when I received here first mail..I knew something was wrong..I wrote here some heartbreaking things, and got exactly the same answer as you all have got. But now she`s in Nigeria on the trip to buy lether, because its cheaper there than south america. And I belive shes in Nigeria..and a part of the nigerian fraud gang who get people to give money because they got ripped of, and need some for shipment...
The same big letters sam place.. Very funny..
The continuation of the story will come here as soon as I get it.
But here comes here letter..smile:
..
To A KING
I just want you to know that I very much appreciated receiving your letter
every moment i check my mail. You are a very special person who I SERIOUSLY want to explore the possibility of building a long term friendship with, that
will in time turn into a marriage and family. That is my dream, and I hope to make it
come true with you!. In my heart I feel
you have all the qualities it takes to
make me very happy.. About my past relationship, I have been into 3 relationships and those
are also my only sexual partners I have ever had. 2 of my relationships ended
because of my partners betrayal and infidelity (cheating) and the other 1 ended
because the love was not there to grow. I know this sounds strange to you but as I wrote above I have not been sexually active now for 2 years!!!!. I live my
life through the word of God and through my spirituality, and I refuse to have
sex with someone if I am not in a relationship with them and my last
relationship ended over 2 years ago. My reasoning which I understand is very
strange in today's world, but my belief is my heart and soul, and the
passion that is in it is very unique and
special, so I made the decision and made a promise to God that I would not be sexually active for the sake of just wanting sex, or to have sex for someone elses own self gratification. Knowing
the passion that is contained in my heart and soul is very unique, I made the decision to abstain from sex because I want this special gift to be shared
with the person I am dedicating the rest of my life to, as his Wife and the mother of his children ...
It is very important for me to build a life of stability, security, and
opportunity for the special person I hope to share my thoughts, feelings,
experiences, dreams and fantasies with, and to offer the best in opportunities
for any children that might be included in my life and that is my focus at this
time and I also do enjoy my job. Professionally, i have once been an accountant
before facing the carier i have always prayed for .I do travel out of UK to
buy
leathers most especially in south America , Chile and Argentina and i ship them back in bulks to UK and sell there, so that makes me travel
when i no longer have leathers in stock. Am not in Uk at the moment, i discovered here on the net
that leathers are cheap in africa and this is my first time here ever in
Africa the western part, Nigeria. its a different experience entirely, leathers are indeed cheap
here twice cheaper compared to south America
Honey in me you are going to find a woman that is blessed with an over
abundance of passion to give to the ones I share my heart and soul with. For you to really know me you will have to experience me, as the love that makes up my heart is like a waterfall, where the water never stops flowing down. In this
case my heart is the waterfall, and the love and passion that flows endlessly is
representing the water. I am a very unique person for many reasons, but one
of those is the fact that I can never get enough of romancing that special someone.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to build this
specialfriendship with you!. You will be rewarded for it through the passionate love that makes up my heart and soul!. I am so excited to be able to
do what I do best and that is romance you with all the passion that makes up my heart and soul!. My special friendship with you is something I want to make permanent andeventually build into a family to call our very own!
Directly from my heart to yours!
Your Future Queen (I hope!)
She is now called Rhenny