29 Dimensions of Compatibility, My Ass!


He's Neil Clark Warren. Actually, he's a schister...a snake-oil salesman...a con man...a fraud...need I go on?

If you can't tell already, I've decided to sign up with eHarmony for the innocent one-month membership. What could go wrong in 30 days, right?

Five days in and I might have just put an ad in the Union-Tribune asking for rodeo clowns, because the people Dr. Neil Clark Warren and his crack-pot team over at eHarmony thought were apparently amazing matches for me have instead caused me to go into greater depression and start to double-lock my doors at night.

Take the profile of Brianne from Costa Mesa for example (and no, the names have not been changed to protect the innocent...):

"I'll listen to anything once, and enjoy almost all forms of music (especially country and musicals!), except most rock and rap."

Um, I can't fucking stand country and my iTunes collection is 80% rock and rap. Wow, they've really hit it on the head on this one! But hey, it's only music...big deal! It's not like this girl admires Rosie O'Donnell or anything...

"I also find Rosie O'Donnell very influential, but not in terms of her politics or her personal sexual preferences, but in terms of her strength."

Dear God, kill me now.

"I used to get scared watching Matlock."

Seriously? I paid how much for this shit?

And to be honest (but not shallow because physical attraction should play a HUGE role in chemistry), this girl was fugly. I know I'm no Marcus Schenkenberg myself, but really, when you can't even bring yourself to scroll past her profile photo, it's tough to take everything else in consideration.

Of course, when I do get a looker like Nicole, I find out she's "unemployed and not really interested in working right now", "loves to party", when people meet her for the first time they find out she's "a super flirt" and she apparently can't live without "tequila, my vibrator and Daddy's credit card". Interesting, yes. Stable relationship, no. And, Michelle, yeah, you're fucking hot but bringing up your ex-boyfriend four times in a 10-question "About Me" doesn't really do it for me.

Don't even get me started Nadya, the Buddhist from Los Osos, California. Her profile is so absurd, I have to reprint it in it's entirety:

The one thing Nadya is most passionate about:

  • This morning I am most passionate about ginger tea, a delicious down comforter, and going to the beach.

The three things which Nadya is most thankful for:

  • I am thankful for sudden sunshine, measured breath, unfamiliar birdcalls after dawn.
  • I am thankful for love in all manifestations, for creation, compassion, bliss.
  • I am thankful for being of service, for startling realization, for when I'm wrong, for ruby red grapefruit.

The most important thing Nadya is looking for in a person is:

  • Can they explain to me how a conversation is like sex?

The one thing Nadya wishes MORE people would notice about her is:

  • My underwear matches my nail polish.

Nadya typically spends her leisure time:

  • In my leisure time I enjoy tasting every arch and dip of your body. I also enjoy laughing until I cry, the spaces between your thoughts, being alone, communicating, and walking barefoot along the edges of the surf.

The things Nadya can't live without are:

  • laughing at myself with exquisite abandon
  • tea
  • pen, paper, books
  • thinking and not thinking
  • water

The last book Nadya read and enjoyed:

  • Calvin and Hobbes.

Christ Almighty.

And if I get another "match" for an over-30-year-old woman who loves her five cats and can't live without her CourtTV, I'm going to hang myself from my curtain rack.

Less than a week and I've gotten a dozen awful suggestions for love. If anyone else tried eHarmony and got shafted, I may be starting a class-action lawsuit if you want a piece...

But hey, who knows...maybe Bri, the 25-year-old, 5'3" massage therapist is the one?


Adam G Partridge said...

I don't want to revel in your misery, but this was a fantastic post. Seriously, I read it three times and I laughed louder each time I read it. I think you're selling Nadya short. Last book read: Calvin & Hobbs? That is awesome.

j.h.k. said...

Jesus, man, how about a little patience?

I quote Clark W. Griswold, Jr. who once said, "Nothing worthwhile is easy, Ellen. We know that."

On that note, if you're not going to call Nadya, do you mind if I call? At least she put some thought into it. Besides, if you can't appreciate a woman who takes pride in coordinating underwear and nail polish, that's a YOU problem.

Joe said...

I just hope when we meet, she's not wearing any nail polish. Heh, heh, heh...

Adam G Partridge said...

Your a sly dog Joe!

Becky said...

What does your profile say? Because if these are the people they're setting you up with... I don't, man. I would totally call Nadya if I were you. She wants to "enjoy tasting every arch and dip of your body"

Becky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
j.h.k. said...

I would like a post explaining why you delete comments.

Joe said...

I didn't delete any comment, you damn hippie! It was "removed by the author" because it was a double-post.

j.h.k. said...

This time. What about Conrad's comments on other posts?! Yeah, now what?!

Kory said...

Wow...thats all I got.

Conrad said...

There was a commercial on the radio this morning about this. You need to watch the NBC news at some point today, there will be a counselor telling you what and what not to put on your profile. Maybe it has some tips that will make Sarah like you better than Matt Damon.