You can't spell "Valentine's Day" without V.D.

WARNING: This post is extremely negative. Perhaps even depressing. It's basically me feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my sorrow. You have been warned. Proceed with caution.

What a miserable piece of shit holiday.

Don't get me wrong. Would I have had someone to spend it with, I'd love the day. With my willingness to go all out and my spontaneous romantic creativity (yes, I have it, just no one to use it on), I would rock the shit out of Valentine's Day.

And ladies, you know this!

But alas, I have no significant other. Hell, I don't even have an insignificant other. So, in a word, this day flat out sucks.

When I got off work, I was feeling rather melancholy so I thought I'd treat myself to some sushi and sake. (Spicy tuna rolls and salmon with cream cheese rolls, if you must know.) For the twenty minutes or so I partook in this delicious meal, I was feeling fairly content. That I realized I was alone eating sushi and drinking an entire bottle of sake. I never drink alone. Hell, I hardly drink period. But to finish off an entire bottle of ice-cold sake by myself is just plain dispiriting.

Know what else is depressing? My life just became a once-funny-now-oddly-bleak movie quote. Remember in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" when the character Frank says "The only Valentine's Day cards I get are from my mother. How pathetic is that?"?

Well, the only thing I got for Valentine's was a card and candied apple from my mom. It's really sweet and I love her for it. But it sucks because it's the only thing I got.

If that wasn't bad enough, I think I nailed the trifecta today of women kicking me in the proverbial balls:

1. A total stranger at work asked me what I'm doing for Valentine's Day tonight. I told her nothing. She wondered why and I told her I didn't have a Valentine. So she tells me that I am handsome and very kind, which gives me a big smile. Then she seriously asks me "So what's wrong with you?" Nice lady. Really friggin' nice.

2. An ex-girlfriend brought up an amazing Valentine's we had together back in the day. As if that's supposed to help?

3. Someone gave me the classic, eternally dejecting line of "We should just be friends." I wonder why Hallmark hasn't come out with a card that reads that. Seems like it'd be a huge seller. Regardless of your intentions, it's a line you never want to hear. I basically means "There's at least one thing glaringly wrong with you or else I'd like a deeper relationship." Now there has Shoebox Greetings written all over it!

Now given incidents 1 and 3, I'm now wondering . . . What exactly is wrong with me?

I honestly hope all of you who did spend Valentine's Day with a loved one had a great time. (By the way, all of you who responded to my mass text message, thanks. You lifted my spirits. And I love you all for it.)


yvonne said...

Don't feel bad, I didn't even get anything from my Mom. And what does a good single girl do on Valentine's Day Night?? Bake cupcakes. Oh yeah, I'm living the dream! Haha!

Happy Valentine's Day, Joe!

Scott said...

I think you need to hang out with Bill Brasky more.

j.h.k. said...

I concur with my colleague, Conrad. You would benefit from some Brasky time.

If I had a couple hours to spare, I would dissect this post line-by-line. Since I don't have two hours(not right now anyway), I'll go with the most ridiculous line...

"It basically means 'There's at least one thing glaringly wrong with you or else I'd like a deeper relationship.'"

Umm, no it doesn't. If there was something glaringly "wrong" with you, she wouldn't even want to be friends. Not to get on my soapbox too much here, but any kind of romantic relationship is an incredibly complicated thing where two people have to match on many levels. If the two of you don't quite line up on all planes, it's probably not going to work(not for very long anyway). You can't force it. I have plenty of attractive, wonderful female friends that have nothing "wrong" with them and yet we're not in romantic relationships either. I know you have as well. I of all people understand how it feels to be interested in someone who doesn't feel the same. It sucks. But you're statement is nonsense and you know this.

Let's get to the real issue...Why do your best friends know nothing of this situation until now? We're your support system, buddy!

Karaoke tonight if you need to drown your sorrows in a well executed country song or two.

Adam G Partridge said...

We should have known John because:
1) Joe is a hopeless romantic
2) Valentine's Day is designed to explout hopelss romantics.
I was aware of the problem; but a voice mail from me wishing Joe a happy Valentine's Day is a far cry from actually being there.
If Joe does not have a girl by next year this time, we gotta do something. To quote Bill Murray from Ghostbusters:
"We've been going about this all wrong. This Mister Stay-Puft is okay. He's a sailor, he's in New York. We get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!"

j.h.k. said...

Adam, I did know but only because I am incredibly perceptive. If he had come to us earlier, we could have gone about this whole thing differently. I think Joe's just been out of the game a while and is probably a little too eager. He needs counsel and, like I said, we're here for him...but he's gotta let us in. (sniff, sniff)

Richard said...

I "celebrated" the same way, only instead of sushi and a bottle of Saki it was a burrito and 12 Newcastles. Because I'm classy that way.

Scott said...

Now that sounds like a great valentine's day!! Joe, if you can't make time for Brasky, Richard's your man.

j.h.k. said...

You have no idea.

Anonymous said...

Good lord. You do need Brasky time. I myself had a valentine thing for the first time in about 7 years this time. It was exhausting and expensive. Every year before this I would just go to the bar and party with some guys and exploit the single girls there. Come north and we'll talk more about this.