What I Don't Understand

An excerpt from my list of a million things that I just don't understand:

740. Since when did the knuckle-pound become socially acceptable for fifty-year-old white guys on the golf course instead of the high five? (Also, I'm guilty of knuckle-pounding but I'll also have you know that I'm one of the few people on this green earth who still are proponents of the Top Gun high five.)

741. Women.

742. Hey Biker Dude in my apartment complex...why do you insist on taking up an entire parking spot with your hog? Take a look around the lot...you'll see other bikers share spots or use the smaller not-quite-a-real-parking-spot spots. Do the same. Please.

743. As I'm writing this, AMC (you know, "American Movie Classics") runs a commercial for up-coming programming, which includes "Celtic Pride" today at 11:30 AM. "Celtic Pride"? Really? It makes sense if you consider it a classic piece of shit.

744. The fascination for Crocs.

745. Why are they called Grape Nuts? There are no grapes, there are no nuts.

746. Why am I attracted to a certain married woman and why do I get the sense she's attracted to me?

747. Quantum physics.

748. My own strength.

749. Who the fuck is the miserable piece of shit who removes peoples' laundry from the machines and throws it all over the utility table? The pile of clothes I saw today I know for a fact weren't sitting in the washer more than five minutes after the cycle ended. How much of a hurry are you in and how much of an asshole are you if you can't wait a few more minutes or use one of the other two laundry rooms in our complex?

750. Why do people say "I finally found what I was looking for...it's funny, but it's always the last place you look." Of course it is...it was the last place you looked because you stopped looking after you found it! If you kept looking after you found it, that'd make you retarded.

751. Who the hell cast Mark Holton as "Chubby" in Teen Wolf? He's supposed to be in high school. He was 26 when the movie was filmed. HE LOOKED 40!


Danielle said...

740...so gangster! I love it when old guys are "hard core".

741...you aren't hanging out with the right ones.

742 & 748...combine the two and show him who's boss!

746...I knew it the whole time!

750...people are retarded.

Paolo Cruz said...

Dude the Top Gun high 5 kicks ass. Best pulled off when sports are involved.

Josh said...

I don't think quantum physics really are understandable, since one of its principles is that the act of measuring anything alters it (not a big deal when, say, observing lions in the Serengeti, but a big deal for subatomic particles).

Also, with regards to 749, there is a girl in my apt complex that does the exact same thing. Pisses me off to no end.

Adam G Partridge said...

I do have to say that people who leave their clothes in the washer are worse and more prevalent than those who take them out. Five minutes is probably excessive, but more than once, when all the washers in my complex have been full, people just leave their clothes in the freakin' washer for seemingly hours. (I've only moved clothes in that context once, and I waited 15 minutes.)
Recently I had my clothes moved after only five minutes, but I couldn't be too mad, because it was my responsibility to move them once the washer was done, and because I didn't, someone did it for me.
Don't be a victim Joe. Get your laundry out on time.

xveganx said...

749 - Is one of the main reasons why I bought a house. I can leave my laundry in the machines for days if I feel like it!

And for 742 - it depends on what kind of Hog. If it is a nice bike it cost more then your car and the owner can justify a whole spot so some jackass does not fuck it up like the time some fucker knocked over my HD and left it helpless on the ground!

Kory said...

You know the Crocs rock. They are the single most comfortable sandal on the market today, they look like shit, but I could walk for days in mine.

Conrad said...

He says the same thing about his Uggs...